Christmas on TV: How Dean Cain Is Kevin Bacon

When you've seen as many made-for-TV Christmas movies as I have, you realize that Dean Cain, a.k.a. Superman from The Adventures of Lois and Clark, is in a lot of them. We're talking almost as many as Shelley Long. We're talking almost as many as puppies. In fact, this year alone IMDB lists him as an actor in two holiday movies, and the kicker is that both of those movies also feature dogs: A Dog for Christmas and The Dog Who Saved the Holidays. But we'll get to those. For now let's review some of Dean Cain's best and worst made-for-TV Christmas movies and discover why I think Dean Cain is effectively the Kevin Bacon of the genre--any actor in made-for-TV Christmas movies could get back to Dean Cain in six degrees or less.

A Nanny for Christmas

As this movie started, I was chanting, "Please do not portray the death of the mother. Please do not portray the death of the mother." I was chanting this mostly because, based on the title, I thought it would be about some lonely single father with two or more adorable or obnoxious children who hires a nanny for Christmas and then falls in love with her. But it's not! The nanny (Emmanuelle Vaugier of It's Christmas Carol) is hired by corporate workaholic mom while she works on an ad campaign for intrepid chocolatier Dean Cain. Honestly, other than his status as a regular in made-for-TV Christmas movies, I'm not sure why he gets top billing in this movie. Because an hour into it, he had only been on screen for three minutes. Having gone in with the expectation that he and the nanny were going to fall in love, I was pretty disappointed. Emmanuelle does a fine job carrying the movie, and the children are surprisingly not overly obnoxious, but it needs more Dean Cain.

The Case for Christmas

A knockoff of Miracle on 34th Street, The Case for Christmas features Dean Cain as a lawyer called to defend Santa Claus when a rich man sues him for emotional distress. Elves and a scheming millionaire bring this one down, and the ending would have more punch if the jury were allowed to vote on whether or not Kris Kringle is actually Santa Claus. And if the girl didn't start flying like a fairy at the end.

The Three Gifts

Of all the movies on this list, I choose this one as my favorite. I like Dean Cain best when he's in the role of either good-hearted guy looking for love or devoted husband and father. This movie uses him as more of the latter. He and his wife, played by the curly-haired singer from Mr. Holland's Opus, live on a farm that doubles as a homemade toy factory but are struggling to start a family. Three orphaned boys come to live with them during the holidays, and a family is born. This one is also fun to watch for the scenes with the dad from Family Matters.

The Dog Who Saved Christmas, The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation, & The Dog Who Saved the Holidays

I'll admit happily that I've never seen any of these movies. I only have to read two words into the title to know they're not my style. But apparently Dean Cain helped launch quite a successful franchise here for ABC Family. Both Mario Lopez and Joey Lawrence have done stints as the talking dog in these knockoffs of Home Alone, where Dean Cain plays the Joe Pesci role of conniving thief vent on ruining the holidays. I also don't know where you'll get a chance to see it this year, since even ABC Family has stopped airing them and just started sending them directly to DVD. The first one is airing on Hallmark Channel at some point, but try Amazon if you really must see them.

And speaking of dogs, Dean Cain has made another Christmas movie with dogs entitled...
A Dog for Christmas

I'm not sure when this movie comes out. I'm not sure what channel will air it. I'm not even 100% sure it's even made for TV, except that is has all the right elements: a dog, a Santa character, and several "Where Are They Now?" TV stars in key roles. In all reality, those "Where Are They Now?" actors are the only reason I'd like to see this movie. In addition to Dean Cain, two of the principal actors in A Dog for Christmas are Richard Karn of Home Improvement fame as Santa Claus (which marks the third time a cast member from that show has dressed up in a Santa suit for a movie role) and Dustin Diamond from Saved by the Bell as "Fred." Their Facebook page hasn't been updated in months. Their Twitter account has four tweets; just four. So who knows if we'll ever see this potential gem of a film featuring Dean Cain, the Kevin Bacon of Christmas movies.

And don't forget, the Kevin Bacon of Christmas movies also makes an appearance in A Christmas Wedding.

What Part of 'Bacon' Don't You Understand?

For all you bacon lovers out there, here's a strange list of bacon products. If you know anything about Even Stevens, you'll understand why this is perfect for Bernard "Beans" Arengaren. And if you know anything about the Kevin Bacon game, you'll understand the not very related list that follows.

Shia LaBeouf starrred in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with...
Karen Allen, who starred in The Sandlot with...
Denis Leary (who looks a bit like Kevin Bacon).


Shia LaBeouf starred in The Greatest Game Ever Played directed by...
Bill Paxton, who was in Apollo 13 with...
Kevin Bacon, who is the reason for this game in the first place.

Jem Finch Meets Baseball

Despite my complete lack of hand-eye coordination, I have a strong secret desire to be a sports writer. Perhaps this stems from my love of anything to do with the Olympics. Maybe it comes from the fact that the film Remember the Titans changed my life, and I saw it five times in the theater. Maybe I just love great stories, and sports happens to have a lot of them, and the best ones seem to find their way into the hands of great writers. My top three, in no particular order: Seabiscuit by Laura Hillenbrand (just in time for the upcoming Kentucky Derby), The Greatest Game Ever Played by Mark Frost (the one and only time golf ever seemed understandable and enjoyable), and The Perfect Mile by Neal Bascomb (a book that confirms that running is a task for the diligent and crazy).

In the interest of pursuing this goal, I'm always looking for the crazy, untold sports stories. Today, MSN.com came through by providing me with this story. I was particularly struck by the story of #3 on the list. After all, Jimmy Piersall did once bat wearing a Beatles' wig. I also noticed that his life was good enough to inspire a movie, which led me to the ultimate source of knowledge: Wikipedia. The film, entitled Fear Strikes Out, features Anthony "Psycho" Perkins as Piersall and was directed by Robert Mulligan. This name struck the dejavu chords in my mind, perhaps because mulligan is a golf term meaning "do-over." But no. The name has actual significance for my pop culture experience. Robert Mulligan is also the director of the classic, must-see To Kill a Mockingbird. When I started reading about Jimmy Piersall, I never thought it would lead me to Anthony Perkins, let alone Jem Finch.

PS And for those of you playing at home, the last time I made a Kevin Bacon game post, I referenced a movie called Fear of Clowns. Today, that Fear Strikes Out. Any other "Fear" films I should know about? Considering the fact that neither these films sound watchable from their descriptions, maybe I'm better off not knowing.

Circus Freak-y?

Tonight I had my first session of tutoring writing in the school library. Not very busy, which gives me plenty of time to surf the internet, which allows me to find great fodder for my blog. (I just looked up the word "fodder" in the online dictionary and it means "any foodstuff that is used specifically to feed domesticated livestock." I'm not implying anything with my use of the word; it just sounds great.) Here's is tonight's great gem and the Kevin Bacon-esque story of how I found it.

I'm in a children's publishing class right now, and I'm supposed to spend half an hour every week browsing the blogs of those in the kid lit industry. I find Sarah Miller's blog (I have no idea who she is, but I'm sure she's connected to the kid book biz), where, in a recent post, she mentions a book by Twyla Tharp. The name rings a bell, but not a Jeopardy! buzzer, so I head over to the trusted source of internet knowledge--Wikipedia.

For those of you who, like me, know Twyla Tharp's name but don't know why, let me tell you the high points before I get to the low point. She is an American dancer and choreographer who worked on the Billy Joel-inspired musical Movin' Out and with everyone's favorite Russian danseur, Mikhail Baryshnikov. Those works earned her great accolades, but her most recent Broadway venture was not so lucky.

But before I tell you, I need to take a little side trip. My family loves the game "Balderdash," especially when we are priviledged enough to play it with our favorite cousins. One playing of this fine game has become one of the top five family jokes. I don't remember what word we were redefining, but one of my cousins offered this gem as an answer: "an Albanian circus freak." Okay, so you probably had to be there (and, let's be honest, most of my blog readers probably were) but that one phrase--circus freak--has caused hours of laughter for more than ten years now.

And here's where Twyla Tharp meets the Circus Freak. I take this straight from her Wikipedia bio. "A recent Broadway venture was The Times They Are a-Changin', which places the music of Bob Dylan in the context of a small family circus, in which the clowns rise up against a cruel ringmaster. It was a critical disaster, torn to shreds by practically all, and closed after 35 previews and 28 performances. The orchestra pit was covered with trampolines, and the folk/rock band was on an elevated platform on stage." Who knew a musical about clowns and Bob Dylan songs would be "a critical disaster"? Probably the many people who consider clowns one of the ten scariest (or should I say "freakiest"?) things. It even has an official name: coulrophobia--but don't ask me to pronounce it. In fact, I was just looking up the official name when I discovered, through my friend Wiki P., that there is even a movie called Fear of Clowns. Not that surprising, actually. I wonder if there's an official name for the fear of Bob Dylan, or Bob Dylan music. . . . In any case, I'm not 100% sure why someone would make clowns the heroes of a musical, but the answer, my friends is blowin' in the wind if someone hasn't captured it yet and put it on Wikipedia.

PS I can't help but write this. Heath Ledger's rendition of the Joker should be a good indication of why this didn't work. Not only did Heath portray the freakiest clown around, but he also played Bob Dylan. Coincidence? Kevin Bacon and I don't think so.