Don't Worry, Baby

As I contemplate my impending 24th birthday, I keep worrying about things I thought I would do by age 24. Josie Grossie-type things. I makes me want to throw a "let's be 17 again" birthday party and stage a do-over (at least in the relationship department).

On my 17th birthday, two of my best friends had me watch Never Been Kissed since Drew Barrymore's character repeatedly exclaims, now that she's back in high school, "I'm seventeen. I'm seventeen."

But I'm not 17 anymore. And I am working towards becoming an editor like Josie Grossie, and I am still waiting for a few rites of passage to occur.

As I wandered past the ferris wheel set up on the campus quad today, I had my don't-worry-baby calming epiphany, which I now share with you.

Epiphany: The point of Never Been Kissed wasn't that Josie hadn't been kissed. It was that she should have been. Her personality, her quirky charm, her super intelligence--the audience loves her and she deserved to have a man who did, too. People weren't stunned about her virgin lip status in a sideshow freak kind of way; they were stunned in a you're-too-good-for-that-to-be-true kind of way.

As am I.

Here's to 24 and not being Josie Grossie. And many upcoming kisses on baseball fields with The Beach Boys serenading away things that have been building up for, oh, I don't know how long.

Birthday Card Writing Movies

One of the keys to a great romantic comedy is the protagonist having a quirky but delightful job. With female leads, the writers usually settle for something prominent and powerful to give the film a feminist bent: will she choose him over her career? For me, if he's the guy, the career won't even come into play. I'm a writer. You can do that from anywhere. Anywhere with paper. Or a computer. Or both.

Not that these movies are always bad; it's just that extroverted personal assistant and too-busy-for-romance doctor have become the new stand-bys, replacing nurse, schoolteacher, and secretary. In my favorite rom-coms, the female leads work as token booth attendants (While You Were Sleeping) and Irish-Italian waitresses (Return to Me). Maybe it has something to do with cheering for the underdog, but I like it more when someone who doesn't already have the perfect life--minus the guy--finds true love. Cinderella story and all that. Call it a universal theme or the collective unconscious, but I prefer watching Lucy Luckless find love to Mable Got-It-Made.

The real point of this blog post is to tell you that Linus Luckless is just as interesting. Even though, in this case, I think he actually has a dream job. Mine. My Top Three Most-Desired Writing Careers That Other People Wouldn't Think To Have are (1) paint color assigner, (2) Jeopardy! trivia writer, and (3) greeting card writer. (Thus, the name of my blog.) This unususpectingly lucky protagonist has one of these jobs, but, unfortunately, he wants to be an architect, which I consider to be the most attractive career on the planet. Something about combining the precise calculation of numbers with the creativity of building design. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I know of two movies where the male lead is a greeting card writer. One is not worth watching, even though it features Tom Everett Scott from my favorite movie ever, That Thing You Do! It is a made-for-TV Christmas movie (a highly under-appreciated category), but instead of being sappy bad, which I can tolerate, it is weird bad, which I cannot. In Karrol's Christmas, the best part is the first ten minutes when you learn that Tom Everett Scott is a greeting card writer, you see the definitely unique and funny-if-you're-in-that-mood cards he's recently written. Skip the rest. It's a retelling of A Christmas Carol; how do you think it ends?

The second one I just saw last night, and it is the inspiration for this post. (500) Days of Summer. Not a movie about summer, the season. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is all grown up from his days as the couldn't-get-a-date boy in 10 Things I Hate about You, and even channeling the good looks and charm of the late Heath Ledger. And he writes greeting cards, but, as I said, he wants to be an architect. And he wants Zooey Deschanel to realize they are soul-mates. From the beginning, the other worldly narrator voice tells you this is not going to be a love story, so as he falls deeper and deeper, it feels more and more like cheering for Cinderella while she gets repeatedly trampled by the pumpkin coach. But, in a good way. Because this movie is charming--and so is our birthday card philosopher hero. Who is not afraid to dance to show his happiness (best scene in the movie). And who has a giant chalkboard in his apartment (which is an inexplicably attractive concept to me--just think of all the complicated math a guy could do on that thing...).

Here's to you, Mr. Birthday Card Philosopher. You and I are both still looking for love.

18 on the 18th

Today is my favorite sister's birthday. She's 18. That's ten plus eight. That's not old, but it makes me feel old. Last year in her birthday card, I told her that my first solid memory is of holding her--a brand new baby--in my arms. My first memory is of being a sister. I said, "My life begins with you." And that's still true this year, but feels even more so. Now she'll be graduating from high school and going off to conquer the world. Which she will, by the way, but no need to worry. She's not a dictator. Nonetheless, I'd like to offer some advice to a world that's about to be graced with someone just as pretty and twice as classy as Grace Kelly. David Archuleta, pay careful attention, because this is how I expect you to treat my sister.

1. Never underestimate the power of a pair of high heels. She'll certainly be wearing them every chance she gets, and if anyone knows when to do so, she does.
2. Daisies are a good peace-offering. She loves them. She considers it absolute fact that "daisies are the friendliest flower."
3. Girls are allowed to have whimsical crushes. Hers happen to include Rafael Nadal, Harry Potter, Gilbert Blythe, a certain Eddie she sometimes borrows from me, and her future husband who's already been mentioned in this blog.
4. Don't mistake a quick tongue for a sharp one. She's just as full of wit as I am but has absolutely no harsh words for anyone. She'll make you laugh but never cry. In fact, she's always there to help a friend.
5. Surprise her by showing her a good suspense film. I don't mean horror; she's not into gory slasher movies. She just really enjoys the work of Hitchcock and Shyamalan.
6. Perfectly groomed hair is more important that a spotless bathroom. Let's just say it takes a while to look as good as she does every day and her life is so filled with adventure that she doesn't always have time to clean up the hair products. It's a compromise.
7. Always be available to kill spiders. Something in her genetic makeup prevents her from doing this for herself. And in my opinion, she shouldn't have to.
8. Talking during movies is not a crime. In fact, with us, it's almost a sport. One day the contract will come through on our DVD commentary deal. But until then, we have plenty to say and the will to say it. This might be especially necessary during the aforementioned suspense films. Talking makes them more tolerable.
9. Learn to be sneaky when photographing. She will do anything and everything to keep you from taking a picture of her, although she's incredibly photogenic. She'll probably be embarrassed that I posted a picture of her, but it's the best one I had. Maybe if she allowed more to be taken, I'd have a better one.

Okay, I made it halfway to 18 with my tips. I can't tell the world everything. 18 would certainly not be enough, and everyone deserves the joy of getting to know the greatest sister of all time. Believe me, this is a big step for me. I'm very possessive of her. I think she's so great that I'm not sure the world deserves her. But I also know the world can only be a better place with her in it.

Happy birthday, Joe.
Love, Frank.