Get another piece of pie for your wife...

I have an irrational crush on Mike Ross. What can I say? He's brilliant and he looks good--GOOD--in a suit. See below.

After Twitter stalking the real Patrick J. Adams, however, I'm not sure we'd be friends. That's okay. As my high school economics teacher used to say, "I got enough friends."

Even so, I'm looking forward to this season of Suits mostly because of the suits. See above.

Top 10 Reasons to Love Melissa & Joey

I don't mind reveling in childhood nostalgia. And we all know I indulge in plenty of less-than-Emmy-worthy TV movies.

Mash those two things together and what do you discover? I am a big fan of ABC Family's sitcom Melissa & Joey.

This show actually premiered while I was away on my mission. But thanks to the magic of Hulu, I found it the summer after my return and got hooked after viewing the first set of episodes.

Melissa & Joey stars Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence. They also work as executive producers on the show, and Melissa has even directed a few episodes. These actors have more in common than their decently funny ABC Family Original Movie, My Fake Fiancé. Both Melissa and Joey have played major characters on some cult favorite family sitcoms.

Take Joey, for instance. He started out as Joey Donovan on Gimme a Break! (a sitcom I willingly admit knowing nothing about).

Gotta love the hair. And the family resemblance.

Later he played Mayim Bialik's older, somewhat brainless brother, Joey Russo.

Whoa.

The role I remember him best for is Joe Roman on Brotherly Love. This series also starred Joey's two real-life brothers, Matt and Andy. (Insert swoon here for the Lawrence brother of your choice.)

Andy's haircut looks so familiar...

Based on previous experience, it shouldn't shock you that Joey's character on Melissa & Joey is also named Joe: Joe Longo. Why mess with a good thing?

Melissa has fewer starring roles than Joey, but her series' had somewhat longer lives, so in my book they're about even.

Melissa first appeared in the Nickelodeon series Clarissa Explains It All. This show featured Zack Morris-like asides directed straight at home viewers. It also predates Dawson's Creek as a teen series where a best friend of the opposite sex enters the main character's bedroom through a window.

Double whoa. So many neons.

And who can forget Melissa in Sabrina, the Teenage Witch? I myself was obsessed with Sabrina, the Teenage Witch from second through sixth grade.

My best friend and I collectively swooned over Sabrina's boyfriend, Harvey--though, looking at him now, I'm not sure why. I guess he was just one of our first major forays into the world of celebrity crushes. I'm happy to say my taste has gotten better even if the intensity of my crushes hasn't decreased as I've aged.

With all of that behind them, Melissa and Joey make the perfect "Will they? Won't they?" couple for a formulaic multi-camera sitcom. In a sense, Melissa & Joey brings back the feeling of ABC's old programming block, TGIF. Boy Meets  World, Step By Step, Family Matters, Full House, Hangin' with Mr. Cooper, and Sabrina, the Teenage Witch all featured prominently in the golden age of TGIF. Even though Joey never appeared in a TGIF sitcom, his roles on Blossom and Brotherly Love seem so similar they might as well have been TGIF material.

Plus, Melissa & Joey is essentially Who's the Boss? for the new millennium.

Melissa's the career-minded city councilwoman raising her jailed sister's teenaged kids, and Joe's the masculine nanny who can't find work because of his connections to a financial scandal. Take away the live-in grandma and it's the same show.

In case you aren't already hooked on Melissa & Joey like me, I'm giving you a list of the 10 best episodes so far, a sort of Must-See List for anyone who loves or wants to love this show.


10. Toledo's Next Top Model

It feels strange describing this episode first since it doesn't feature a prominent Mel and Joe story line. But I find myself laughing at small moments in this one, the kind of moments that make Melissa & Joey so enjoyable.

Why It's Good: Joe coaches Ryder on how to get a girlfriend.

Important Events: Ryder's girlfriend, Holly, makes her first appearance.

Guest Star: Vivica A. Fox as a modeling agent who recruits Mel's niece, Lennox.

9. Teacher/Teacher

Guest Star: Andrew Lawrence as Ryder's history teacher

Why It's Good: Andrew Lawrence. He tells jokes, he sings, he wears hipster-ish glasses. I submit that he's never looked this good.

Important Events: Did I mention Andy Lawrence is in the episode?

8. Waiting for Mr. Right

Why It's Good: Not-so-subtle hints about Mel and Joe's similar interests and Joe's willingness to run to her rescue mean this episode keeps you cheering for the romantic tension between the stars.

Important Events: Watch for the vending machine scene. One of my favorites.

Guest star: Christine Lakin of Step by Step makes her first appearance as Mel's old friend

7. Dancing with the Stars of Toledo

Why It's Good: Joey Lawrence and Melissa Joan Hart both did stints on the actual Dancing with the Stars before returning to scripted sitcoms. Enjoy watching what would have happened if they'd been paired as celebrity dance partners.

Important Events: It's not written into the episode, but after I watched this episode I knew I was hooked on the show.

Guest Star: Mark Ballas from the real Dancing with the Stars

6. Joe vs. the Reunion

Why It's Good: Melissa tries to rescue Joe from looking unsuccessful at his college reunion--with not-so-awesome results. Listen for a reference to their first joint venture, My Fake Fiancé. 

Important Events: Mel and Joe's first kiss, albeit a "fake" one

5. All Up in My Business

Why It's Good: Concerned about Mel's secretive behavior, Joe uncovers the truth behind her mysterious credit card charges. And gets her a thoughtful present at the end of the episode.

Important Events: Shirtless Joe (from Hannibal, MO--I couldn't help myself with the Damn Yankees! reference.)

Guest Stars: More of Ryder's girlfriend, Holly. He gets her an unfortunate birthday present. Also, the introduction of Lennox's future boyfriend with a pretentious name: Haskell.

4. Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Why It's Good: Mel asks Joe to make her boyfriend more manly so she can break up with him without crushing his spirit. But when he starts acting more like Joe, Mel suddenly finds she's more attracted than she thought. My love for this episode actually has less to do with Melissa and Joey and more to do with the hilarious transformation portrayed by the actor playing Mel's boyfriend.

Important Events: Melissa Joan Hart channels her inner Melissa Gilbert by wearing a dress clearly inspired by Little House on the Prairie. Also, Ryder turns the tables on Holly after learning she cheated on him. And a Dancing with the Stars reference!

Guest Star: The guy playing Mel's boyfriend! Seriously, I want him to star in my first made-for-TV Christmas movie.

3. Going the Distance

Why It's Good: Mel faces a crisis when her young entrepreneur boyfriend gets offered a job in Italy.

Important Events: Joe unveils how well he knows Mel when he gives her boyfriend gift-buying advice.

Guest Star: Scott Michael Foster, that guy from Greek with super-ugly hair but a fun personality.

2. The Settlement

Why It's Good: Mel and Joe are more expressive of their attraction to one another when Joe reveals he can leave his post as nanny.

Important Events: Mel and Joe (kind of) agree to go on a date with each other. Mel kisses Joe, but dismisses it as a good-bye.

Listen for: Joey saying "Whoa." To. Die. For.

1. The Other Longo

Why It's Good: Joe's brother comes into town and hits it off with Mel. Jealousy ensues, but Joe hedges his feelings for Mel.

Important Events: This isn't vital to any overarching plot line, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE the moment when Joey and Matt do their "Amazing Longo Brothers routine." TV gold, people.

Guest Stars: Matthew Lawrence! Matthew Lawrence! Matthew Lawrence!

I interrupt your regularly scheduled Christmas...

...to bring you a special treat, care of Nathan Adrian's Twitter feed and August Man, Malaysia's definitive men's journal.

If Clark Kent were an Olympian...

...or if Nathan Adrian were in the cast of Mad Men.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled blogging about Christmas on TV.

(Secret) Sports Songs

According to this week's Sports Illustrated, the following song was inspired by the singer/songwriter's wife's devotion to Roger Federer. And I am also devoted to Roger Federer, so I watched the video. Big surprise, I really like the song. I hope you do, too.

Several of the lyrics are very applicable to the idolatry of sports stars in general and Mr. Federer specifically. 

"He never gives attention, but you still yearn." Fact.

And the line about the "broken record" could refer to the fact that Roger is considered by many to be the GOAT (Greatest Of All Time) in the world of tennis and holds the record for the most Grand Slam wins.

(And on an unrelated note, I am in love with the lettering on the building behind the musician. It looks just like a scene out of That Thing You Do!)

And just to be random, I'll tell you that I once heard on The Today Show that the first big hit of The Plain White T's was inspired by the name of an aspiring Olympian. And this article (from a fairly sketchy website, I admit) confirms my remembrance. Which is to say that every time I hear this song I think of the Olympics instead of long-distance, unrequited love.

Unless of course that unrequited love swims the 100m freestyle in under 48 seconds and hangs out at Berkeley...

What is it with men and...

As a devotee of all quotes You've Got Mail, I enjoy Meg Ryan's exasperation that both Tom Hanks and Greg Kinnear instantly understand the phrase, "Go to the mattresses."

"What is it with men and The Godfather?" she muses. As a single Mormon though, I don't usually date men who are well versed in Vito Corleone. Instead, I find that I have to have a working knowledge of other movie series, each of which I find tolerable, but neither of which I would watch of my own choosing.

So, I ask all y'all, "What is it with men and...

1. Star Wars

2. Lord of the Rings

But I can totally seeing those guys responding with a "What is it with girls and...

1. Gilmore Girls
2. Gilbert Blythe
3. Pride and Prejudice


Anything to add, dear readers?

Race to the Finish Line

Just thought of the perfect idea for a graduation party. It will require my Michael Phelps 2008 Olympic highlights DVD. Also, that Michael Phelps calendar I have.

Because we're talking a "Race to the Finish Line" graduation party.

Games: Measure your wingspan against Michael's. Sip a Sonic drink faster than your opponent. Tag team relay races of some kind. Make your best super-stoked full-body expression. And the like.

Medals will be awarded. The best of the Phelps will be playing in the background.

Perhaps I could throw in some London-themed elements, too. A ticking Big Ben. Adele and the Beatles. Appearances by Wills and Kate (and Harry).

No, there will not be bongs.

Any other ideas?

The Coat Makes the Man

With colder weather coming on soon, I ended up wearing one of winter coats all day today even though in hindsight it wasn't necessary. Still, I like wearing my coats because for me it's like spending time with a celebrity crush. It's the same idea as wearing your boyfriend's letterman jacket in high school, except I'm not in high school and none of these guys are or ever have been my boyfriend.

But seriously. Most of my coats were purchased in response to movies or television personas.

For instance...

I bought a red puffy winter coat (the one I wore today) after Matt Damon wore a similar one during the first few minutes of The Bourne Identity. (At the time, he was stalking me in my dreams, so we were practically married.)

I bought a pseudo-vintage military-style jacket after Matt's best friend Ben Affleck appeared in Pearl Harbor.

I bought a thin khaki jacket during the height of my addiction to Tom Welling in Smallville.

As for future additions to my closet of men's coats, I've always wanted a coat made exclusively for an Olympic athlete (not that the athlete would be me, but my boyfriend/husband could be). Like this one...

The romance, the beauty, the world of men's outerwear.

Reaching a "Fever Pitch"

Confession: I have an unhealthy crush on Jimmy Fallon. Unhealthy because (1) I'm too old to have a crush on a celebrity who is (2) married and (3) a former SNL cast member. They aren't exactly known for their moral fiber.

It all started when I watched a super-old (from 2005) romcom this weekend, Fever Pitch, starring Fallon and Drew Barrymore. I usually identify with Drew Barrymore in romcoms because she has a more normal body type and quirky hair and isn't perfect. But I was not

prepared to like Jimmy Fallon.

Of course, in the movie, neither was Drew Barrymore's character. She had a flourishing career as a mathematical analyst in Boston and he was just a nervous high school geometry teacher. So beneath her, right? WRONG! And he has an unhealthy obsession with the Boston Red Sox. So ditch-able, right? WRONG! And her friends keep shooing her away from him. So they should be trusted, right? SUPER WRONG!

In Fever Pitch, Jimmy Fallon has all the charm of Cary Grant showering in a suit in Charade, but in a movie that perfectly integrates the modern shattering of the dreaded Curse of the Bambino. Let me tell you why:

1. The nerves he exhibits when asking for the first date. This is not a guy who is so self-assured he thinks women worship him, nor is he a guy who lacks so much self-esteem you wonder if he can even spell his own name without checking for approval.

2. The way he takes care of her when she gets sick on their first date. We're talking, she throws up everywhere so he cleans her bathroom and gets her Gatorade and rents movies to watch when you're sick. Talk about being a nice guy.

3. The scene where he gets down on one knee and asks her to go to opening day with him. I really have no words for this. Just know that I would totally fall for this.

I could go on, but basically I think this movie does a perfect job of playing with the romcom formula while still ultimately conforming to it. Fallon and Barrymore play the average couple who are surprised to find each other and surprised to find love with one another, in a way that I haven't seen in a romcom in a long time. Plus, this movie also ends with a Barrymore baseball field kiss. So there may be hope for me yet.

So, back to my crush on Jimmy Fallon. I recently joined Twitter for one reason: Jimmy Fallon's late night talk show has a weekly segment called "Late Night Hashtags." Every week, Fallon starts a hashtag on Twitter and the best responses get read on the show.

I WANT TO GET MENTIONED ON LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON.

Yesterday, I submitted my first hashtag for #traveldisaster. I recalled a moment several years ago when I took a shuttle from my hometown back to my college town and sat next to an old woman who gave me acne advice for three hours. I noted, in the hashtag, that this was "Not helpful."

And now, thanks to the magic of connecting with complete strangers via Twitter, some dude tweeted me a link to help with my acne. Well, @guyIdon'tknow, that was also "Not helpful." Well-intentioned, but not helpful.

But the whole thing makes me wonder--just for a moment--what if this guy is my Jimmy Fallon geometry teacher?

And then I realize this guy is wearing a gold chain around his neck in his Twitter profile picture, and I proceed to judge him as NOT being my Jimmy Fallon geometry teacher.

Maybe he's my Joe Junior?

I'll Be the Fortune in Your Cookie

I must say, I like a certain amount of organized chaos in my life. And by my life I mean my wallet. And by organized chaos I mean ticket stubs and fortune cookie sayings in said wallet. They each have a designated compartment, but other than that, contrary to my genetically inherited librarian/accountant tendencies, I don't attempt to put them in order.

I still have every fortune cookie slip from the year and half I spent in Houston, Texas. And just now, it struck me to examine them as a blog subject. After all, they are one of the briefest places to write. The only smaller one I can imagine is coming up with paint and crayon colors. Very birthday card philosopher.

Here they are, my fortune cookie fortunes, broken into major categories.

PROVERBS--The key to any fortune cookie proverb is using a common object and making it even more common, er, universal.

Doors are an especially good candidate. "Do not wait for others to open the right doors for you." Or, "Opportunity is knocking on your door--answer it tomorrow." I've never met Opportunity personally, but I don't know how much it resembles the Postman in the Always-Rings-Twice area. All I know is, if it's knocking on my door, I'm answering today.

This proverb I actually like. "The best mirror is often a good friend." In other words, don't actually look into a mirror to check how you look. Ask a friend who can be both honest and caring to act as your mirror. Because sometimes we are too honest with ourselves when looking in a mirror and hardly caring at all.

But I have no idea what life lesson this next proverb is trying to put forth: "If the table moves, move with it." What does the 'table' symbolize? And why would it move? And if all your friends moved with the table off a cliff, would it really be in your best interest to move with that table?

CHARACTER TRAITS--This type of fortune tells you one of two things about yourself. Either it tells you something about yourself that you already know. Or it reminds you of an admirable quality you in no way possess. So it can be either useless or insulting.

"You have sound business sense." I don't think this is true of me, but who am I to denounce the Fortune Cookie gods?

"You are humorous and cheerful with good friends." I hope so. Otherwise I'd need new friends.

"Everybody feels lucky for having you as a friend." I hope so. Otherwise they'd want a new friend.

The best way to write this type of fortune is to say nothing by saying a very vague something. As in "You are gifted in many ways."

PREDICTING FORTUNES--These fortunes actually act as fortunes, by predicting an upcoming even in your life. They usually include time words or the future tense.

"Money and luck are favorable next month." Good, because my alleged sound business sense hasn't been helping me much during this one, and I can't answer the door to Opportunity until tomorrow.

"You will finally solve a difficult problem that means much to you." I like this one. I remember exactly when I got it, and I can think of many difficult yet meaningful problems I have solved since then. I can also think of many difficult yet meaningful problems I have yet to solve. But I know I will. My fortune cookie said so.

"You will advance socially without any special effort." I also like this one. I remember when I got it, too, and it was a lot more recently. This one is intriguingly motivating because it is both vague and positive. How will I advance socially? By getting a boyfriend? By getting my dream job? By getting both? Plus, it doesn't require any special effort on my part, so it validates what I am already planning for my life. Which involves both of those kinds of social advancement. Just so you know, Universe, I'm not putting in ANY special effort. None at all.

"You will travel far and wide, both pleasure and business." Is there anyone who doesn't want to get that fortune? An aspiring Olympic correspondent loves getting it.

FILL-IN-THE-BLANK FORTUNES--This category could also be called Form Fortunes: sentence structures that can be used repeatedly by altering key words (usually nouns) to create different fortunes. These are the Mad Libs of fortune cookie sayings. In the following examples bolded words can be easily replaced.

"Remember yesterday, but live for today." Remember high school, but study in college. Remember your Social Security number, but don't count on collecting Social Security. Remember to advance socially, but don't make any special effort.

"To be content with little is true happiness." To be unhappy with politics is true democracy. To be pleased with one's self is true peace. To be blessed with family is true joy. To be at Wimbledon with Roger Federer is true living.

"Do not mistake temptation for opportunity." Do not mistake a friend for an enemy. Do not mistake Sean Penn for Dustin Hoffman. Do not mistake that knock at your door for the opportunity of a lifetime--at least until tomorrow.

U.S. Open: Love Is All Around

I think I'm in love. Tennis love. 6 feet 9 inches of tennis love.

His name is John. He's a southern gentleman, who can hit a 141 mph serve.

He looks good in Banana Republic.

And he participated in the longest tennis match ever. And won.

Just one more reason to get that job next summer in London at the Olympics.

I know, John. I don't want to wait that long either.

The Equation of Attraction

For the record, I think guys who can do math--really hard math--are sexy. Here's a visual presentation of why.


And one I just thought of tonight that I should have recognized a long time ago...

Photoshoot: Ron Weasley

I met him today. The man of my dreams. He's just my height, he has a British accent and red hair, and his only flaw is that he can make only one facial expression in photos. See for yourself.

All mine.

My protector.

Dance with me tonight.

A painting of true love's first kiss.

One Ron to go, please.

A Sabrina

Some days you just need a Sabrina.

You know, an opportunity to fly off to Paris to escape your current life. A chance to write nonsense in a journal by a European river for three months.

Because when you come back from your Sabrina, your hair looks like this,

and you can crack an egg with one hand.

When you come back from your Sabrina, the male suitors are pursuing you:

driving you around in their cars,


or calling you on the phone,


or dancing with you at fancy dinner parties,

or taking you on boat rides for two.


When you come back from a Sabrina, you no longer think sad thoughts


like that one.

But...


Today, I needed a Sabrina.