Christmas on TV (via Netflix): A Christmas Puppy

Last Christmas, I had so much fun laughing at A Golden Christmas and A Golden Christmas 2 (both still available on Netflix) that I couldn't wait to enjoy the same experience with A Christmas Puppy, also on Netflix. (Apparently, it also goes by the name Christmas Spirit, which is how you'll find it on imdb.com.)

But before I even hit play, I read the reviews of other viewers. A sampling:

Are you sensing the pattern? Me too. So I had to watch.

A Christmas Puppy opens with the voice of a HORRIBLE narrator. Is this the voice of the elusive puppy, I wonder. And the questions just keep coming from there. Are the humans actually dogs? Is this all the dream of an autistic child similar to St. Elsewhere? To put it directly: I kept wondering, where's the catch? Why the puppy with a bow on the cover?

Exactly five minutes in, a "Christmas Spirit," dressed like a victim on CSI:Touched by an Angel, appears to the teenaged boy. Before I could take in her awful acting and her fake but ever-present accent, she's magicked him into a red and green elf suit, and I was laughing about something entirely different.

For reasons that make sense to no one, in order to save Christmas for him and his single mother (special appearance by Maureen McCormick a.k.a. Marcia Brady), our teenage hero must visit the home of a rich but disconnected family and save their Christmas. I never watched Heroes, so I'm mocking in the dark here, but the whole premise is a little bit "Save the cheerleader; save the world." Which never made sense either.

There are a few lines that elicit laughter, but not because they're intending it.

• Best insult: "...you look like a slack-jawed, narcoleptic panda right now."
• Worst pickup line: "That's really cool that you like Christmas. I like Christmas, too." Newsflash! Who doesn't? Oh, wait. Twenty-five percent of characters in made-for-TV Christmas movies. Including the girl who just told you she likes Christmas.
• Worst line overall: "For someone who said the Christmas Spirit's magic was dead, you sure are doing a lot of abracadabra."

Overall, I never believed that this kid would just go off and do the bidding of the Christmas Spirit and manipulate a family he's never met. I actually found myself thinking, "Maybe 'puppy' is a metaphor since this kid keeps doing whatever he's told like a trained dog." In fact, at first I thought the teenager had a little bit of a Stacy's Mom thing going with the rich mother, but in the end he didn't even get a romantic hook-up with her daughter. In my opinion, if you save Christmas, you should at least get a pity kiss under the mistletoe.

As for the actual Christmas Puppy, it does make its first appearance thirty minutes in...but only for about thirty seconds. And there's some lame plot twist in the middle about the puppy stealing the rich family's Christmas gifts but the theft getting blamed on the teenager, but that's just another unbelievable element of this movie. Guess what? The horrible narrator was the puppy.

As Lorelai once said on Gilmore Girls, "Now I know how Snow Dogs got made."

Still to be reviewed in this oddly prolific Dogs and Christmas Genre: The Christmas Wedding Tail, starring Jennie Garth.

Christmas on TV: Love at the Thanksgiving Day Parade

Hallmark Channel Christmas 2012 Movie #2

I went into this movie with high expectations. Other than the food, the Thanksgiving Day Parade is the highlight of my Turkey Day. One of the greatest holiday movies ever, Miracle on 34th Street, begins with the Macy's Parade. And it's starring Autumn Reeser, the charming girl next door on my favorite short-lived sitcom, Complete Savages.

And guess what? Those expectations were met within the first five minutes. Because this Thanksgiving Day Parade is set in Chicago, the best place for romantic comedies, particularly Christmas ones. (See While You Were Sleeping.) And Autumn's vintage wardrobe transforms her into Maureen O'Hara circa 1947. (At first, I found myself wondering why the main character dresses only in vintage clothing. But after five minutes, I was only wondering why I don't. Don't let it bother you either; just go with it. And it does get explained later on.)

Best scenes stolen from other rom-coms
1. Boy and girl trying to avoid each other at the grocery store, similar to that classic scene in You've Got Mail (also coincidentally a Thanksgiving scene)

2. Boy and girl eating food with their hands at a favorite local restaurant, similar to Harrison Ford and Julia Ormond in Sabrina

3. Boy and girl taking a romantic carriage ride downtown to get to know each other, as seen in Little Women and every Jane Austen adaptation ever

4. Boy and girl dancing to vintage music underneath a gazebo in the park, similar to the "Stranger on the Shore" dance in The Majestic

5. Boy takes girl to drunken karaoke to get over her stupid boyfriend (the drunken karaoke part at least happens in a lot of movies, like (500) Days of Summer)

6. Boy and girl get locked on the roof all night...and honestly I'm drawing a blank right now, but I know it's happened before

7. Boy takes a stealthy picture of girl when he's starting to like her, like Mark Ruffalo in 13 Going on 30

8. Girl brags about doing the New York Times crossword in ink, just like Heather Locklear and Chris Noth in The Perfect Man

9. Boy takes girl on a romantic boat ride--so Ben Affleck in Pearl Harbor

10. Boy and girl must kiss for the Kiss Cam at a basketball game, in the manner of Kate Hudson and Matthew McConnaughey in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

11. Several scenes of boy and girl having sleepless nights in separate beds on a split screen, like any Doris Day movie ever made

All of that might seem like a bit much, but trust me, this movie uses all these conventions to its greatest advantage. On top of all that, the music breathes nostalgia into the story, the Chicago architecture shines on the small screen, and the main characters' personalities play off of each other with charm and ease. And I loved the entire movie. Love at the Thanksgiving Day Parade is easily the best of this season's holiday movies so far. Give yourself something to be thankful for and watch it!

Christmas on TV: Christmas Song

As a made-for-TV Christmas movie aficionado, I generally prefer the movies made by the Hallmark Channel. They're romantic without being trashy. They're predictable without being boring. They're quirky without being lame. Actually, they're a lot like me. But that's an entirely different blog post.

This year I'm extra excited because, in a move no doubt inspired by the 12 Days of Christmas, Hallmark Channel has given me 12 new Christmas movies to enjoy. 

Hallmark Channel Christmas 2012 Movie #1 is Christmas Song. Two music teachers at a private New York City high school must compete for the right to keep their jobs by coaching teams for a TV Christmas singing competition. Naturally, the more they compete, the more sparks fly.

I found Christmas Song to be highly watchable. The teachers are not forced into comically trying to sabotage one another and instead allowed to act like adults--which wouldn't be the case if this movie were made for the big screen (cough Christmas with the Kranks cough). The four teen characters--a wrestler, a beauty queen, a sheltered girl, and a boy in a wheelchair (cough Glee cough)--play nicely against stereotype and have plot lines outside of their own popularity concerns. It even borrows the "I don't want my daughter to be a singer" storyline from Sister Act 2.

The few hiccups of Christmas Song come from the production and costume design. Dressing the high school students in red and green school uniforms is anything but subtle. Plastering lights and bows in every room makes it seem like you're overcompensating for something. And that something became clear when I noticed that in every outdoor scene with snow, the snow is actually white blankets draped across the ground and the foliage. 

Overall,  I recommend Christmas Song for at least one watching. Sure, during the final performance at the end, it's 100 percent clear that those teens aren't actually performing. But I found myself smiling anyway.

Hallmark Channel movies reviews still to come: Love at the Thanksgiving Day Parade and It's Christmas, Carol starring Carrie Fisher

Christmas on TV (via Netflix): Christmas Town

"It's that time of year, when the world falls in love. Every song you hear seems to say, 'Merry Christmas. May your New Year's dreams come true.'" --"The Christmas Waltz"

Yes, it is that magical time of year when channels are filled with sentimental two-hour slices of predictable holiday romance and feel-good family dramedy.

I live for this time of year, and I hope you do too. So once again I'll be reviewing the best and worst of this season's holiday movies, whether they're brand new or just never-before review by moi.

Let's begin with a flick you can find on Netflix anytime or on ION on November 25: Christmas Town.

Basic premise according to TiVo: A woman discovers the spirit of Christmas while visiting her estranged father in a town that is decked out for the holidays.

Basic premise according to Netflix: In a town totally consumed with the Christmas spirit, a single mom, her son, and her father discover the magic and healing of the true holiday spirit.

If those two sentences don't hook you, I don't know that this movie will, particularly if you're like me and don't love the genre of Christmas movies that fall more on the side of fantasy than romance.

And yet, this movie isn't terrible and avoids the overused plot device of many Christmas fantasies; it doesn't spend 85 percent of the movie trying to conceal the fact that the main character is Santa/is related to Santa. Instead, Christmas Town's main storyline focuses on a simple story of father-daughter reconciliation that, while predictable, isn't yet entirely old in made-for-TV Christmas fare.

The main issue with Christmas Town is the town itself. I've ranted before about Christmas movies that are clearly filmed in the middle of the summer, but this movie takes that faux pas to a whole new level. The said town--Hollyville--attempts to create a realistic setting for Santa's workshop but discards Santa Claus Mythology 101 and places that town not at the North Pole but in Anytown, U.S.A. This flaw, on top of the sunny setting, throws out any charm Christmas Town might borrow from movies that have successfully imagined Santa's workshop before, most notably The Santa Clause.

Number of characters who hate Christmas: one, the cynical, workaholic single mother--a staple character in Christmas movies since Maureen O'Hara in Miracle on 34th Street.

Least politically correct line: "Those aren't elves. Everyone knows elves have pointy ears."

Worst line to end the worst romantic storyline: (After a kiss under the mistletoe) "Merry Christmas to me [wink wink]." Gag. Me.

And if you watch the credits, you'll discover it's from Canada. Which explains a lot, although I'm not sure why.

In the Year 2525...

It happened. I got older. Officially. I had to get a new driver's license and everything.

Last time I got a new driver's license, I was four years ago when I turned 21. I remember thinking at the time, "Next time I get a new driver's license, it'll probably be because I'm changing my name and getting married." Wrong.

I even remember thinking a year ago, "I hope I have a cool job in an undiscovered part of the country next year when I need to get my license renewed because otherwise I'll be paying for a new one in Idaho again and I really don't plan to be there for the next four to eight years."

$30 later, my driver's license thinks differently.

Actually, I'm not all that uncool with being 25. It feels like a big accomplishment to have reached this age, and I even made several lists (intending to blog them, of course) of the 25 Most Epic Moments of My Life by Age 25.

Like those six amazing weeks I spent abroad in Europe, living across from Hyde Park, going to world-class theater every night, meeting amazing people I still call friends, and otherwise living the dream.

Like eighteen months worth of Texas-sized, Texas-style mission memories that are too numerous to list, too tender to blog, and often come back to me when I least expect it.

Like holding my sister for the first time.

Like holding my brother for the first time.

Like graduating from high school and college with shiny report cards and wicked awesome test scores that don't define who I am but sure provide me with tangible evidence that I am at least good at being smart when I doubt my other qualities.

But thinking about the 25 Most Epic Moments list only made me want to make the 25 Most Epic Moments Still to Come list, which inevitably made that half-full glass start looking a lot more half empty.

Which is silly, because there are great big things on the horizon for me, including one unbelievably amazing thing I cannot blog that even I wouldn't have predicted writing into the story of my life.

Of course, ten years ago on my birthday (which I spent in Hawaii! epic!), I remember having a contemplative moment with myself on the beach. I thought to myself, "By this time next year, you need to learn to be more open with guys and get yourself some dates and some fun." I wasn't scolding myself; I was just setting a goal.

But it didn't happen. I've never felt confident in the relationship department, and to compensate I've focused almost entirely on educational and career-minded pursuits, only to later whine about failing at relationships.

And all I have left now is a list of 25+ Questions I Keep Asking Myself about What I Really Want. Here are some sample questions:

When I do find a guy, will our relationship be as great as I've been imagining?

If I don't find that relationship, will I become one of those girls who settles?

If I decide not to settle, will I be able to stop kicking myself for being a relationship failure?

Will I ever stop being haunted by the 15-year-old version of myself and that conviction on the beach?

Will I ever be okay with getting my license renewed?

Welcome to my quarter-life crisis.