Zachary Levi Has That Effect on Me

Remember when I watched Tangled and it made me cry? Well, that doesn't happen anymore. I still get bitter(sweet) feelings when I hear "I See the Light" or watch the lantern scene, but I think I've found another root of what caused those tears to well up.

Zachary Levi.

You see, I was bored recently. Bored enough to think, "Hey, maybe I should try out a new TV series on Netflix." And so, because Netflix predicted that, based on my past viewing preferences, I would rate Chuck as a five-star series, worthy of my highest praise, that's what I selected.

I went in with expectations far below five stars. You see, once upon a time, right around when I started this blog, I saw the pilot episode at Family Home Evening. For some reason, our male FHE leader thought that watching Chuck was our surest path to spiritual enlightenment that evening. I remember being less than impressed. This chick wandered around in her underwear, some buff dude kept saying "Awesome," and a few other main characters were living below their potential at dead-end retail jobs. 

That's what I was envisioning when I clicked the red and black play button over Zachary Levi, action hero, in Netflix. I thought I was immune to liking this series. But oh how wrong I was.

At first, let me admit that I kept watching more because of the casting choices than anything else. I had just finished a Hallmark Channel movie starring Ryan McPartlin. Chuck fans know him as Captain Awesome. Yeah, the buff dude from my vague memory. In the Hallmark Channel movie, Chance at Romance, Awesome played a widowed photographer with a matchmaking young son. Through Awesome's website, the son poses as his dad and recruits a fan to visit their home. She shows up, the misunderstanding comes to light, but she stays long enough to fall in love. Obviously. It's Hallmark Channel.

And who was playing Awesome's girlfriend/Chuck's sister, Ellie? None other than another Hallmark Channel favorite of mine, Sarah Lancaster. I liked her in Fir Crazy, the one where the lead character loses her job and has to work at her family Christmas tree lot--which is where she meets her true love, naturally, played by the guy who dated Lana on Smallville. (Fun facts: His Smallville name was Whitney; he also appeared in Mrs. Miracle 2 and The Work and the Glory films as the rebellious brother.)

I'm digressing, but you need to know I stayed because of Awesome and Ellie, not because of Chuck and Sarah. But man, that will-they-won't-they dynamic is powerful. In truth, my attraction to the show actually stems more from will-he-or-won't he. Will Chuck be able to escape his trapped, going nowhere existence? Will he win the heart of the beautiful girl? Will his dreams finally come true after so much undeserved misfortune? I wanted those things for Chuck because now, years after I first saw the pilot, I felt/feel like I was/am in the same position. My job is okay for now since nothing exceptional panned out right after college, but it doesn't feel like there's room for progress. My love life is non-existent, and at times it's hard to fight the feeling that, although I have many awesome qualities (intelligence, personality, looks), no one of the opposite sex will ever find those qualities awesome enough to commit.

And so, feeling sympathy and undying devotion for the ever-charming Zachary Levi as Chuck Bartowski, I continued my binge-watch. I rooted for him when he took action to get what he wanted romantically and professionally, even if that meant (spoiler alerts ahead) breaking up with Sarah or choosing career over romance. In rooting for Chuck, my hibernating ambition and self-belief began to awaken. Maybe not to act for themselves, but at least to take a look at the view. 

And now, I'm almost to the end of the third season, and I'm having that moment again. The moment where Zachary Levi makes me cry. Because I've realized the reason I'm letting myself fall in crush with Chuck is that he's me, but the version of me that's finally thrust into what my life should be. And that's when all the happy memories of Chuck become sad, because I realize that a spy who just happens to be my perfect romantic partner is never going to walk into my place of business and begin a complicated and heartbreaking but ultimately destined to succeed relationship with me. It's sad because people don't get a Chuck-like invitation to take the reins of their lives.

So, now I wish I knew how to quit Chuck. Because I have vague memories of a friend telling me how the series ends, and that is sad too. And I just don't need anymore tears inspired by Zachary Levi.

Excuse me while I go listen to Katharine McPhee's "Terrified"--the Zachary Levi version.

Two Words: Stop It

I feel the need to rant a little tonight. The inspiration behind the coming rant is a recent article posted to LDS Living, a magazine I once interned for and to which I subscribe. I like LDS Living, but I just don't know about this one.

The article is called "5 Ways to Find Your Eternal Companion According to the Family Proclamation." It's adapted from a book that has the same idea: study the Proclamation hard enough and live its principles, and you too can be righteous enough to get married, like the author.

Truth be told, I knew I shouldn't click on the Facebook link to this article, but I did because I do self-destructive things when I think my mind can take them. I am almost always wrong about that.

To be fair, LDS Living probably had to post this article because they're owned by Deseret Book, which sells the book that inspired the article, so it's advertising. I work in online marketing; I know how it works.

But here's what bothers me about the article. Starting with the first "way," I hear that voice I hear all too often from well-intentioned but ill-advised married Church members. They look at a single Saint's status and start pointing the finger of blame--at the single person.

The first principle reads as condescending, insulting, and discouraging. To simplify what the author states, I'll summarize it the way it reads in my head: "Hey, have you considered faith? I know it's the first principle of the gospel, but maybe you've never heard of it before. President Monson says you shouldn't be postponing marriage, so what are you waiting for? You're already at least in your mid 20s. Remember, you can't be exalted unless you have a spouse (as I do)."

Yes, I know that's not what the author is actually saying. But does he think I've somehow missed out on faith, the plan of salvation, words of living prophets, and the central importance of marriage as fundamental doctrines of the gospel? Believe me, you can't be attending YSA wards as long as I have without hearing about those principles. True, you don't have to adopt them just because you attend church, but you'd have to spend the entire three-hour block checking your fantasy football scores every week to not be aware of them.

And that brings me to a root problem of articles like this. They misunderstand the target audience. The people who will click on a "How to Find Your Eternal Companion in 5 Easy Steps" article are not the people who need to be reminded to have faith. Trust me--if we're still going to Church and holding out for eternal marriage, faith is a big part of who we are and who we strive to become.

People who most need to take the quoted counsel from President Monson to heart are not those who come to this article seeking comfort and guidance, so stop lumping all singles together and assuming we're ALL postponing marriage or forgetting how important it is. We wouldn't spend so many hours wondering about crushes or worrying about dates or crying over our delayed but promised righteous desires if we didn't have faith in the eternal, infinite, and personal plan of salvation.

That brings me to the other problem with this article, the reason I knew I shouldn't click on it. It's a listicle, a gross term for the numbered articles that have overtaken the Internet in the Buzzfeed era. I know because I write them every day in my job as a small business blogger. All listicles are filled with tips and tricks, shortcuts to achieving a desired goal.

Don't get me wrong; many listicles contain useful information. But, I don't think a listicle is an appropriate venue to offer dating advice to LDS single adults. That's because by clicking on a listicle, a reader feels like he or she will receive the piece of insider information necessary to achieve a certain end. Instead, readers in the faith-filled but still single category finish reading the article and find themselves thinking, "What am I doing wrong? What magical piece of the formula am I missing?"

Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way with eternal marriage. I wish it did--I'm good at following lists. But the more we encourage this checklist-goal mentality of marriage, the more disappointment potential we create in conscientious, faith-filled singles.

Recently, at a friend's wedding luncheon, I felt keenly the untruth of the notion that we can achieve eternal marriage by completing tasks on a list. Her husband's father stood up and said how proud he was of his son, who had always been able to set goals and achieve them. The father was using the hours-old marriage as an example of an achieved goal.

As I heard this stranger say those words, I sat there and let myself feel hurt. I'd set the goal for marriage, I'd worked to achieve it, but it had eluded me. I felt the Spirit try to comfort me and say that my mind was mistaking a proud father's words for doctrine, but my heart had a hard time accepting that comfort. Because I'd heard that before from well-meaning Institute teachers and local priesthood leaders.

The Spirit finally got through to me after several months of further mental anguish by reminding me of a scene from my own life with my own father. I don't live at home anymore, but I live close enough to my parents that I can visit several times a year. My entire immediate family lives in the same city, except for me.

When I go home, I love being around my family, but I have to admit that I struggle with feelings of jealousy and inadequacy when I'm there. I'm the oldest, but my younger sister is married. I love her; I love her husband. But seeing what they have leads me to focus on what I lack, my own eternal companion. Consequently, I often end up crying during my prayers on the last nights I have at home. Sometimes I even wake up in the middle of the night, convinced that marriage will always elude me and that my loneliness will never cease.

As you can imagine, those thoughts are crushing. But on several occasions, my dad has been in the next room and heard my cries. And he comes in, gently places his hand on my shoulder, and speaks words of comfort. My dad can give long talks about spiritual matters, but I find his spiritual knowledge most meaningful in those conversations, which tend to last no more than three minutes.

What am I driving at here? I think many LDS single adults find more happiness when they come to understand that eternal marriage is not 100% dependent on exerting the correct amount of righteousness and faith--and when they stop clicking on articles that suggest otherwise (hint to future self). The way to receive that knowledge is through the Spirit, not through a listicle.

I have to acknowledge that the author finishes by saying the article doesn't actually offer a new idea or formula for finding an eternal companion. But I think that's part of why this article makes me feel empty. The title sets up one expectation, the content serves an entirely different purpose, and I am left confused and disappointed.

Ultimately, I think we need to accept as a body of Saints--myself included--that practicing principles in numbered lists won't automatically lead to marriage or other spiritual ends. "The gospel is not a checklist."

How can we fix this? Take President Uchtdorf's counsel and "Stop it." Stop writing articles that promise singles the secret to getting married. There is no secret, and Deseret Book CEO Sheri Dew would be the first one to tell you that.

The Truth So Far

Friends, I think it's time to update you on where I am. My last post was pretty emotional, so for anyone out there still reading, I want to say what's going on now. Your comments, whether written on the blog or sent in cards, stated over the phone or expressed in hugs, have made a difference, so I owe you.

After the last post, I have started seeing a counselor. For me, I think that's just a healing mechanism that helps because I need another person (who is not also a friend or family member) to help me sort through my thoughts. I don't want to say much about counseling, but I need to acknowledge that as the first step in the path towards self-love.

Since seeing a counselor, I have started finding those inner truths about myself again. Truths like I am a good person, I am lovable, I am valuable, and so on. Some days I still find it hard to believe those statements outright, no questions asked, the same way I believe that the Book of Mormon is true and that we have prophets on the earth today. But I'm better at not resisting the Spirit that affirms that to me and casting out those truths with my unbelief.

I've also made friends with a few new truths. I'm not perfect at practicing them yet, but they feel like core parts of who I am and how I find happiness in each day. This is what I've discovered:

1. I feel better about me when I spend time on my hair. 

I kind of hate admitting this because for so long I mostly acknowledged only the other side of this truth: I resent having to spend time on my hair. There are just so many other things I could be doing, and sometimes doing my hair involves an hour of holding a blow dryer, a round brush, and a flat iron. I could be reading or visiting a museum or going to a play.

But, as much as it pains me to say it, I just feel better longer on any day when I spend time on my hair. Maybe it's because I can look in the mirror and say, "I like me, and I did something that proves I like me today." Heaven knows I haven't had any men to impress the last few months. But that's another part of it: I've realized I want to do my hair FOR ME. Not because it will make me pretty enough to attract a spouse, but because it will help me think I'm pretty JUST FOR ME.

2. Reading gives me more pleasure than bingeing on Netflix.

I don't dislike Netflix or other forms of TV, movies, or streamed content. I haven't even stopped doing those things. I still do them a lot, but I've started replacing some of the time I spent with those entertainment sources with the written word.

It feels so joyful. My brain just works better when I spend time reading, and there is so much to read. Already this year I've read almost as many books as I read last year. It's not really about the number, but it's about realizing that spending time between pages fills my soul in ways that watching TV does not. I'd forgotten that. I'm glad I remember now.

3. Working out gives me a boost too.

This is kind of the same as hair. You just can't read when you're working out. Or so I thought. Plus, for me, working out was just a reminder of awkward junior high and high school days in gym. I didn't like those classes because I couldn't get ahead by studying. I had to physically perform the tasks, and I never felt good at that, so I stayed away. And, I used to think it was similar to doing my hair. You can't read or do whatever else when you're getting sweaty. I've since discovered that those things can be a part of exercise.

Working out is better now because I can do it on my own terms. It's also better because I don't feel like I'm in the middle of a popularity contest where people are deciding whether I'll succeed in life based on whether I make a basket, hit a home run, or run a certain pace.

I try to go to the gym several times a week, but I don't beat myself up if I don't make it as much as I "should" have. I also don't work out to lose weight, although that has happened a little here and there. Again, that's like the hair. I used to think "I need to work out so I can be skinny so boys will like me." In order to feel better, I need to sever that belief. Instead, I say, "I want to go work out so I will get a mental jolt and feel healthy FOR ME." And, now that it's warmer, I sometimes get to swim for my workout, which is the best. Nothing clears my mind like swimming a few laps.

Friends, this isn't everything I've learned so far, and as I said above, there are still hard moments. Sometimes I still feel paralyzed by the thought that some of my fondest dreams are beyond my control and might not come to me in this life. But I've also come to realize a little better that having those things won't change who I am or make me more valuable. I need to work on this now because that's the moment I'm living. Come what may, I need to love me and know that the best sources of love are Divine--capitalization intentional.

In those moments, I find strength in a few sources. I think about Elder Bednar's talk "The Windows of Heaven," where he taught that the Stripling Warriors prayed for deliverance and received assurances and that was enough to carry them to victory. I think about the assurances the Lord has sent me. I can't describe them here because they are far too personal, but they come from the Spirit, and they have been numerous.

I also spend a lot of time thinking about women I love. There's my own mom, the righteous version of Lorelai Gilmore. There's my beautiful sister, a perfect blend of Grace Kelly's elegance and her own intelligence. I think about my grandmother, who gave me my love for reading.

Quite often, I think about my dad's mom, Paloona May Brown Sorensen, for sure my best friend on the other side of the veil. I think about how she was still single at the age I am now and how she held strong, hoping in Christ for a covenant marriage and an eternal family. I think about how we share some of the same health challenges and how she comforted me before and during the early phases of that trial. I think about how she's doing the same now and what that means for eternity.

This has gone on for a while, but that's the truth I feel in this moment. I love you all. Good day and good news.

Enough

I want to love myself. But for the last six months I just haven't. I've eaten so much food that's bad for me and watched so many mind-numbing hours of TV and movies and read blog posts about how getting healthy will make me feel better and how accepting who I am now will make me feel better and how giving myself up to God's will will make me feel better.

And I don't feel better.

I felt like I did for a few weeks, after I finished reading Sister Oaks's book A Single Life. But it's soothing effects didn't last very long. I woke up from the stupor of peace it put me only to wake up still addicted to food, addicted to believing I'm worthless without a significant other, addicted to wanting to succeed and feeling like a failure in every way.

I know I should go to a doctor and ask for help, but I'm afraid to do that. Last time I sought help from a medical doctor for depression, he refused to give me medication for it because I wasn't depressed enough. Which only served to reinforce my feelings of inadequacy.

I've been to therapists before, and several of them were helpful to me, but I don't think I'll believe any of it has worked until someone looks at me and loves me.

But no man ever does. And it just suffocates me, my desire to have that, to feel fulfilled and wanted by someone in a romantic way. And when I can't have it, I just shove my face full of feeling-suppressing sugar and watch movies that will make me laugh and think and forget, if only for a few minutes.

My dreams have turned into bitter nightmares, and I don't even have the will to pursue them anymore. I just wish I could escape all of it, turn off my mind and be gone. I know I'm not supposed to feel that way, but I do.

Enough is enough. This is enough.

Blast from the Past: On Re-Readings

Note: This is another old blog post I found in the middle of the night. Why did I never post this? It has some good stuff in it. Enjoy.

I have this half-formed thought I've been carrying around for a while now which I will now attempt to fully form and share with y'all at the same time. Probably this thought arises from the inordinate amount of time I spend consuming media in my college graduate, part-time bookseller, full-time unsure of my next major life step life status. In fact, I know it comes from at least the bookseller portion of my life right now, and here's why.

Very early on in my now four plus months as a Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail bookshop girl, I found myself standing at table full of great nonfiction titles. The biography of Neil Armstrong, several titles by David McCullough, Angela's Ashes, Team of Rivals--I had read none of the books on that table, but I wanted to read basically all of them. And I thought to myself, "If I read absolutely nothing else this year, I still wouldn't have time to read all of the books on even one side of this table." To a bibliophile like me, that was a depressing thought.

I only let myself get further overwhelmed as I looked around at the dozens of bookshelves surrounding me in the decent-sized bookstore where I work, and it dawned on me that even if no more books were ever published, I wouldn't even have time to read all the books in our store in my lifetime. (Granted, there are entire shelves of books that I would have no problem skipping...the romance section for instance...due to their lack of literary merit. But still.)

This thought took up residence in the back of my mind, not quite nagging away at me but making its presence known nonetheless. Quickly, the thought had grown, telling my mind that not only would I never be able to read everything I wanted to, but I would also never see all the great movies or even catch up to my Netflix queue. 

Eventually, this dooming thought made friends with another thought: the thought that there are certain books, movies, and TV shows that I have already read or seen that I will no doubt read or view again, in spite of the fact that I am already wasting my time by not checking off items in the huge imaginary To-Do List of Lifetime Media Consumption I have created for myself--with the assistance of Goodreads, IMDB, and Flixster. I was wasting my time re-reading To Kill a Mockingbird every summer instead of making friends with Leo Tolstoy. All my repeated viewings of 13 Going on 30 would mean nothing if I somehow missed out on some other unknown rom-com gem. And I didn't even want to think about all the times I have re-watched movies just to remember why I don't like them. (Blog post on this subject to follow.)

I had reached a postmodern paradox: I wanted to experience everything, but I knew I could not. All of this deep thinking exhausted my already emotionally strained mind, until I realized that the desire to re-experience was the solution to the whole problem. How? Here's how.

Remember that scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade where Sean Connery as Dr. Henry Jones Sr. opens his umbrella on the beach and runs at all the seagulls, causing a plane to crash and saving himself and his son, Indy, from the evil Nazis? (As opposed to all those nice Nazis...) What does he say to Indy to explain this erratic behavior? "I just remembered my Charlemagne." Unfortunately, I'm not well-read enough to know what Dr. Jones is actually quoting, but the principle of the scene applies. Because the answer to my problem is "I remembered my Shakespeare."

The single most famous Shakespearean soliloquy comes from Hamlet. You know it as "The 'To Be Or Not To Be' Speech." But it contains a well-stated concept that acted like a soothing balm on my situation. "...makes us rather bear those ills we have, / Than fly to others that we know not of." Just like Henry Jones quoting Charlemagne, it might seem like gibberish out of context like this, but I couldn't quote the whole sentence because there's a lot of flowery language about Death personified that doesn't really apply. In fact, strictly speaking, the quote I gave is Hamlet explaining why a lot of people choose not to commit suicide, which has nothing to do with my situation. But at its core, this quote says that if we know the qualities of something, we're apt to keep those somethings around instead of replacing them with others that we don't know.

Translating this into the dilemma of never finishing the World Library, I realized that I'm just "bearing the ills" I know and love by re-reading and re-watching books and shows that I already know have wisdom that suits my style. And I'm okay with not flying to all the "others that I know not of" all the time. I'm okay with not being consumed with the consumption of new media.

But then the thought went even deeper. Because I've been thinking about all the great friends I've had at different periods of my life and thinking about when the Ultimate Friend will show up--the one that I will love so much that I will marry him. And suddenly that Ultimate Friend became like a really good book, or a great TV show, or a fabulous movie. With him, just once won't be enough. I'll have to keep re-reading and re-watching to discover all the nuances and details I didn't notice before, little tidbits that make him even better on a 322nd viewing, or a 456th read through. Sure, I'll have my favorite parts that I've highlighted or that I skip to on the DVD when I need a quick pick me up. But the whole goal of having him in my life will be to know and appreciate the whole package. And that will take repeated screenings. And readings. And it won't matter that I don't know every single person on earth, because I'll know him. The quality of us will mean so much more than the quantity of them.

Acceptance First, Anger Last

Note: I wrote part of this blog post in May 2014, but I never finished it. I couldn't sleep tonight, so I revisited it in an attempt to bring on the ZZZs. It starts where I originally started it, and I'll note when the original post ends.

I've heard that people can experience the stages of grief in any order and often go through some stages multiples times before they reach acceptance. I can now be a witness to this fact. I just didn't realize it was possible to reach acceptance first and still need to go through the other stages.

To anyone who's still out there reading, you should know that on November 16, 2013, I got my long-awaited, much-anticipated first kiss. The story is quite nice, but I'm not in the mood to share it here just yet, mostly because that relationship has since ended and I'm presently stuck in the beginning of a romantic comedy. My life right now is very status quo: my career exists but it doesn't suit my skill-set or feel long-term; I had what felt like a great dating relationship but have a hard time now remembering what I saw in him and why I trusted him with my heart. If that ever changes, you might get to hear the good parts version, readers. But not today.

One day shy of a month after our first date, The Boy Who First Kissed Me broke up with me. That's not even a 100% accurate description of what happened, but it's the best term I've got, and I've since learned that he used it. So, although he refused to officially and openly date me, at least he recognizes that he broke up with me. What a man.

He gave a few reasons for breaking up with me, the most prominent being a lack of time to give me what I deserve out of a dating relationship. Translation: I'm just not that into you. I knew that's what it meant at the time and tried to get some clarification out of him.

In fact, as an aspiring screenwriter, I feel I should give you a better sense of the action and let you see the pitiful scene for yourself.

Sunday afternoon. Sacrament meeting has just concluded. BOY and GIRL, who have been sitting together, stand up. GIRL is annoyed but trying to hide it because BOY was checking his Fantasy Football scores throughout the meeting. BOY is distracted by the fan club of girls, aged 18-22, who run up to him (age 27), eager to get his opinion on everything from wheat bread versus white bread to the Affordable Care Act. BOY shifts his attention from GIRL to this harem.

GIRL waits nearby. Flashback shots of her waking up in a cold, angry sweat the past several nights are shown. Another flashback depicts the same harem arriving at her apartment Christmas party the night before. HAREM also ran over to BOY with enthusiasm then, chief among them a young 20-something redhead, and BOY turned his attention away from GIRL despite the fact that he arrived an hour late to the party. GIRL said nothing then, but remembering the restless sleep and confusion, she knows she has to say something now.

BOY finishes talking with HAREM, and GIRL recaptures his attention.

GIRL: Hey, I know you're busy, but can I schedule some (BOY'S NAME) time for later today?

BOY: Sure, we can make that happen.

BOY and GIRL part ways.

[End of original blog post.]

The story picks up later that night, around 8:20, following Ward Prayer. GIRL nervously approaches BOY in a crowded room.

GIRL: Can we have our talk now?

BOY: (grimaces) Sure.

GIRL and BOY walk back to GIRL's apartment. BOY does not try to hold GIRL's hand. BOY and GIRL reach the apartment and sit on the love seat. The name of that piece of furniture does not match what is about to happen.

Fade out.

I could give you the Reader's Digest version of that conversation. Heaven knows I've played it over in my head plenty of times since it took place. But I really only remember what he said. And how stunned I felt. And how embarrassed I am now that I almost cried then.

But the details aren't important. Because as heartbroken as I should have been, the next day--a Monday, naturally--I found myself at work, not pining for him and wondering what I did wrong. Instead, a rush of calm flooded over me around lunch time. I just knew it was right that we weren't dating anymore, or using each other or whatever the accurate description is for what we were doing with each other. I found acceptance less than 24 hours after our split.

And that was great. I felt calm and happy and at peace all through the holiday season and the Olympic speed skating trials and even New Year's Eve, a holiday I've wanted to spend with a significant other since I was allowed to date.

I wish that feeling had lasted. I wish I had held onto it more, fought for it to stay. But that's not what happened. Instead, he announced on Facebook the day after Valentine's that he was in a relationship. Apparently he had time for her. Apparently he wasn't ashamed to openly admit that he liked her.

Enter anger and all the stages of grief I hadn't gone through yet. Welcome back to all the questions I had about my worth and my attractiveness as a woman. The year just went downhill from there. I thought a different guy liked me. You heard half of that story in a different post. Yeah, he didn't. But he eventually found the skinnier, nicer version of me, which triggered a whole new set of jealousies and self-loathings when I saw it first-hand.

By August, I'd given up the idea of dating that year. And I'm not sure I want it right now either. I mean, I want it because my biological clock is ticking and the longer I stay single, the more ice cream I consume and the more unrealistic Hallmark Channel movies I watch and the more I fear I am too SOMETHING to be the object of someone's true affections. The less marry-able I become.

The point of this post is not to say that I believe something is wrong with me that makes me undateable. It's just to put some feelings that weigh on my heart and doubts that resound in my mind out into the universe. Because there isn't enough room for them to just stay inside of me anymore.

I want my acceptance back. I want the courage to move forward and think that I could find someone and he could like me and mean it. I want to not think I failed at 2014 because three of my best friends got married but I didn't even hold a boy's hand.

Because I accomplished a lot in 2014:

• I got a new job.
• I bought a car by myself.
• I went to Disneyland twice.
• I got to the other side.

2015 is already better. Not necessarily in the dating arena, though I have felt myself gaining a more balanced perspective on the matter. There have been two boys recently who I've thought "maybe" about. It didn't become anything, but that's not the point. 

The bigger and more important development is that I feel myself wanting to be okay with where I am now. I feel my heart saying, "You is good. You is kind. You is important." And not because of your dating status or whether you've published anything, but because you have faith in the future but appreciate the present. I'm not perfect at it, but I'm doing better.

• I go to the gym more regularly.
• I've taken care of some big-girl things, like 401(k) and HSA and dental insurance.
• I sometimes watch the nightly news instead of reruns of crime procedurals or HGTV.
• I've already finished 5 books this year.
• I'm blogging outside of work now, a first step in writing more and feeling the joy of the creative spirit again.

If you made it this far, congrats. I apologize for starting so many sentences with conjunctions. I know it's allowed, but I think I went overboard. I have hopes that this year will be better than the last. After two long Decembers, I deserve it. So I'm going to give it to myself.

Sitcom of My Life: Out on a Limb

It's been far too long since I've blogged. And I never gave the full story behind the vague but dizzily happy last post. Believe me, I've attempted to write them, but I can't find the words that are honest without being spiteful yet. Let's just say that was the mid-season finale in Season 1 of my personal sitcom/reality show, "Right as Rain." (The title has no particular relevance, except that I love that Adele song and would choose it as my show's theme song if a) I ever got a show and b) Adele would give permission.)

And let's just skip ahead to right now. Right now I'm feeling very Carol Vessey from Ed when she confessed her feelings to Ed, who'd been in unrequited love with her for years, and he didn't respond. So, in typical Ed fashion, Carol went over to Ed's house one morning and sat in his tree until he came out and saw her there.

Ed to Carol: "What are you doing up there?" (I'm paraphrasing here.)

Carol: "I'm out on a limb."

Ed: "But you're not. You are really close to the trunk. You're not out on a limb."

Carol: "I know. I was, but then I got scared. It's really scary to be out on a limb."

Carol, I couldn't agree more. Up until a few weeks ago, I had NEVER straight up said to a boy that I had feelings for him, unless he had already given me physical evidence that my feelings were in some way reciprocated.

And for some reason, two and a half weeks ago, during the season finale, I thought it would be a good idea to confess my feelings to a man who was introduced in the series premiere of my life sitcom nearly 9 months ago. In an email. While he was on vacation. IN ASIA.

Smooth, Whitney. Real smooth.

Because I didn't just confess my feelings. I also scolded him for not telling me an important detail of his life that affected our friendship and potential romantic relationship. Which, I'm realizing now, was a figment of my imagination and his gentleman-like manner.

Oh well.

But now, the wait since I sent the email was been more interminable than any television hiatus. EVER.

We're talking worse than when Jess and Rory kissed on the bridge before Sookie's wedding.

We're talking worse than when Luke and Lorelai kissed at the opening of the Dragonfly Inn.

It's THAT BAD, guys. (And gals.)

But, I also know that writing works for me. It gets my thoughts out of my head and into the universe. Which is why the email seemed like a good idea at the time.

"Who wants to be right as rain? It's better when something is wrong." At least, that's what my theme song says.

An Update/An Explanation

You may have noticed my dedication to TV Christmas movie reviewing has waned somewhat this year.

Well, let's just say I had a very busy weekend. And because of that very busy weekend, I foresee many similarly busy weekends in the near future.

I apologize for any inconvenience. But not much. Because that busy weekend involved a boy and several kisses and a permanent butterfly in my stomach ever since. Which is pretty much the stuff that TV Christmas movies are made of, so I don't feel like I'm missing much.

I'll catch up when I can, but in the meantime, I'll let Harry Connick Jr. explain how my heart feels about it all.

Christmas on TV: A Very Merry Mix-Up

I need to open with a disclaimer: I didn't see the first 30 minutes of this one. But I'm guessing they wouldn't change my opinion much. That said, let's dive in.

In A Very Merry Mix-Up, Alicia Witt gets engaged and heads across country to meet her in-laws to-be. Her fiancé can't come with her, so she's forced to make the trip alone. Naturally, she meets a handsome man who has the same last name as her fiancé and who she believes to be his brother. Thus, the mix-up and the resulting complications.

By the time she realizes her potential brother-in-law is not actually her potential brother-in-law, they've already spent nearly 2 days together. Obviously, they're in love.

Actually, what's obvious is that she should question why she had no idea what her fiance's family looks like. What's obvious is that she should wonder how she agreed to marry a man who only wants to use her as leverage in a property deal. What's obvious is that she comes across as a dim-witted heroine who's barely capable of making adult decisions.

The end of these movies is always predictable, but I found myself siding with the money-obsessed fiancé more than the main character. Yes, he's the villain because he wants to demolish a city block to make way for new condos. I get it: he's the Grinch.

But she wasn't letting logic in at all. He was offering her $3.5 million dollars for her father's antique store and storefront space to open a new location. It takes the romance out of it, but that's just good business. Sentimental value only goes so far, even at Christmas.

On a side note, you may remember Alicia Witt as the red-headed clarinet girl from Mr. Holland's Opus. I also recently watched her in another Hallmark Channel movie, Backyard Wedding.

Of the three roles, I like her best in Mr. Holland's Opus. It might have been Richard Dreyfuss. Or it might be that in both her Hallmark roles Alicia plays a woman who changes her mind about who she wants to marry in a very short time after dating someone for a very long time.

I know: that's the stuff rom-coms are made of, but these films made me question my love of the rom-com genre. These movies made it impossible for me to get behind a woman who jumps so quickly from one marriage prospect to another. I can't do it when she knew the first guy for years but the movie makes it obvious from the get-go she shouldn't have dated him more than 3 times.

Essentially, A Very Merry Mix-Up failed to do what movies like While You Were Sleeping and You've Got Mail did flawlessly. It's okay for Sandra Bullock to switch from Peter Gallagher to Bill Pullman because she only loved Peter Gallagher from afar. It's okay for Meg Ryan to break up with Greg Kinnear because they obviously shared a love of words and the break-up was mutual.

My disappointment in A Very Merry Mix-Up also stems from the vague resemblance this movie bears to the fake Christmas romance created last year for a Sears commercial, a movie I wholeheartedly wish were real. Maybe I would have liked A Merry Mix-Up better if it took place entirely at the airport. Probably not.

Christmas on TV: The Thanksgiving House

Despite having only blogged 4 times this year, I'm back because 'tis the season for delightful new Christmas movies delivered directly to your TV every weekend for the rest of the year. I. Am. Giddy.

The Hallmark Channel kicked the festivities off this year with The Thanksgiving House, the story of a holiday-hating lawyer who inherits a house built on the land where the first Thanksgiving (possibly) took place.

I wasn't blown away by the female lead; her character came across a little cold to me, but that could just be my bias against characters who hate the holiday season. But, her name is Emily Rose, which sounds like an old-lady perfume, so I'm not going to hold it against her.

This movie compensated for its icy heroine with Justin Bruening, known in the movie as Everett Mather, which sounds like a law firm. Last year Justin assumed the role of Teddy Lawrence in the TV Christmas version of Little Women, The March Sisters at Christmas. I made fun of him then for donning a toga, but this year his autumnal wardrobe redeems him of his former fashion sins.

I criticized Everett at first when I suspected that his passion for Pilgrim-era archaeology meant he was a jobless late-twentysomething living with his parents. Even though those parents are the Bionic Woman and Tron. But, he proved me wrong, working as a high school history teacher who holds down his own apartment. What a catch!

Emily Rose, aka Mary Ross, needs three-quarters of the movie to realize she should ditch her tricky boyfriend with a bad accent for nice-guy Everett. But, when she does, baddie boyfriend delivers the movie's most quotable line: "Color me gone."

The Thanksgiving House earns points for having a creative premise, but none of the interaction between  our bickering lovebirds had an equal level of creativity. You always know who's going to fall in love in these movies, but at the conclusion of this one I wasn't sold that they shared more than a warm affection and a desire to date through, say, St. Patrick's Day.

Still, I give the movie points for relying on plausible legal battles and emotional growth to create a plot instead of orphaned children and magical North Pole dwellers.

All in all, The Thanksgiving House was a pleasant way to kick off the TV Christmas movie season for 2013. I much prefer last year's Teddy Lawrence as this year's high school history teacher, and the scenes of Boston in the fall make this movie worth a watch.

Times Are Getting Better

It's been a while since I written anything about my actual life, but I've been mulling over this post for a while. Well, at least the last month, which has been one of the greatest of my life.

It all started after a 4th of July weekend at home. Towards the end of the trip, I had an intense discussion with my mom about my desires for the future--how I feared they'd never become realities. We both cried, but my stubbornness refused to let her empathy resolve any hard feelings I carried in my heart. I take the blame for that.

Still, the next day driving home with a friend, I felt guilty about the lack of faith I'd exhibited in the conversation with my mom. My friend and I began discussing how I could be more faithful about dating...when inspiration struck. I heard these words (or something like them) begin to come out of my mouth, but I knew they were from a Higher Source:

I just wish I didn't struggle with the same problem over and over again. It feels like no matter how much progress I make, I still fall down again and have to get back up. But, if I'm honest, I guess it's like a an Olympic swimmer or track athlete. The exact nature of what I'm struggling against will never change very much. But my times are getting better. I'm swimming faster. I'm picking myself up more quickly when I fall. I'm even reacting differently when I do fall and have moments of doubt and fear.

That epiphany has sat inside my soul ever since. It reminds me of the sequence of events leading up to Roger Bannister breaking the 4-minute mile. He ran as much as possible but still couldn't seem to break the barrier. Then, he took a small break for a hiking trip somewhere in northern England. The trip not only recharged his inspiration but also altered his mindset. Something inside him shifted away from believing sub-4-minutes was an inhuman barrier. (If that's not exactly what happened, blame the fact that I read The Perfect Mile over 5 years ago. That's how I remember it, and now that means more to me.)

My metaphorical inspiration similarly changed my mindset. In that instant, I went from believing I had very little control over my romantic future to realizing I could do a lot to change it.

Thus began my shortest journey to a date.

Let's flashback a bit to introduce a new character. I'll call him Jackson, but that's not his name. Jackson goes to church with me. I don't remember the first time I noticed him, but whenever it was, I thought he was the best-looking guy in the congregation. This was also before the epiphany, so I also thought he was (1) out of my league and (2) probably had the personality and brains of a the most popular guy on the football team, which is to say, not much of either. Looking back now, those thoughts came from knowing nothing about him and trying to protect myself against liking him. It worked, but only for a short time.

See, I started getting to know Jackson when he joined a group of my friends and acquaintances at a Monday-night church activity. He and others piled into my car and took a trip to campus for a scavenger hunt of interesting sites and circumstances. After actually interacting with him that night instead of judging/assuming from afar, I realized he was both cute and nice. And part of me was hooked.

Of course, that part of me is the part of me incapable (until recently) of interacting with boys once she develops a mild crush on them. Embarrassing, crippling, sad, but true. A few weeks later, I for some reason confessed my crush to some girlfriends. I never do that. But they were pressuring me to say someone, anyone, and Jackson was the name I confessed.

That was right before the 4th of July weekend trip, the unpleasant Mom conversation, and the inspiring friend conversation. But, it required one more catalyst to really get the ball rolling, connect the dots between my crush on Jackson and my agency-activating epiphany.

One Sunday night, after I failed once again to interact with Jackson at various regular Sunday night church activities, a friend and a roommate-friend were discussing their plans to ask boys on a group date. The bravest part of myself (the part which is usually a mute observer) spoke up and said I wanted to join in. Although my immediate thought was "I hate the pressure of having to ask a boy on a date," I was committed. Quickly, our topic of conversation switched from what we'd do to who we'd ask. Several hours of MASH and Face Card Fortune-Telling later, I knew Jackson was my heart's most-desired date for this upcoming event.

But, I still hadn't interacted with him much aside from the short-lived and now distantly-in-the-past scavenger hunt. Enter a plethora of church activities where I (gasp) purposely interacted with Jackson.

• I made sure to get on his boat when we went sailing. (Yes, we went sailing. The most perfect Monday night of my life. I actually held hands with Jackson and another eligible bachelor as we jumped into the lake. I could have died. From. Luck.)
• I gave him my best "Come Hither" eyes and moves at a dance party the following night.
• I intentionally sat next to him at church.
• I had multiple short conversations with him at Sunday night dessert parties.
• My roommate and I baked cookies for him and another boy she was trying to lay some groundwork with.
• Jackson thanked us for making the cookies, looking directly at me the whole time.
• Jackson made the best Dutch oven peach cobbler in the world at another Monday night event, and I purposely thanked him.

Readers, I never get my flirt on that consistently or persistently. It may not seem like much, but to me that was concerted effort. Granted, my roommates and friend had to nudge me almost every step of the way because those darn dancing butterflies in my stomach wouldn't sit still. (Do butterflies sit?) But, for the most part, I didn't chicken out.

Jackson never gave back the plate we used to bring him cookies, giving me the perfect excuse to text him and ask for it back. I used that interaction to ask him his plans for the weekend and set a date for Friday night. Strangely enough, I was less nervous during the actual asking out than I had been through all the little moments of interaction preceding it. Go figure.

What with one thing and another, my roommate and friend secured their own dates, but not for the same night I'd set up with Jackson. Luckily, he'd arranged to change the venue of our date anyway, having gotten some tickets from his job to a dinner theatre showing of "Annie Get Your Gun." Basically, what was going to be a super casual group date turned into a legit dream date with, no joke, the best-looking guy I've ever been out with.

Now for the actual date. Honestly, this part is too fresh for me to relieve in detail on a blogpost. I'm not going to give a play-by-play. Sorry. My prerogative. Here are some vague descriptions to give you a general idea of the night. Imagine what you will with them.

• Our conversation was decent but not amazing. I felt like I was asking most of the questions, a hard thing to balance without going into journalist mode and forgetting to reveal anything about myself.
• He wasn't giving me the same looks I'd had from him in the few weeks leading up to our date. You know, his eyes didn't sparkle when they looked my way and he wasn't smiling with glee at the luck he'd struck to be out with me. But, somehow my heart was okay with that.
• We sat close but not cuddled up during the show. He laughed at the right parts and has quite an appreciation of theatre. Another thing for the plus column.
• I got more details about him as a person. Age, family, major, job, etc. These are things I'd wanted to know but never had a chance to ask.

The best conversation occurred as we drove home from the night. We hugged good-night, not a strong embrace but one that fit the tone of the date. 

As I sat rehashing and analyzing with my roommates, I realized I was happy with whatever comes next and I don't feel pressured to keep flirting with Jackson so he'll fall madly in love with me. I just wanted to get to know him better and find out if my crush had any legs for us to form a relationship on. I'm still not sure; it almost feels like only the surfaces of our true and complete personalities were on that date last night. He actually has both personality and brains in addition to looking genuinely handsome 100% of the time. He just seems like a complete, well-rounded guy. I couldn't tell you which part of him is most impressive. It all just fits.

But, I'm also not heartbroken over not having made huge strides with him. Sorry if I set you up to believe I was about to tell the story of my first kiss/boyfriend. Truly, my efforts during the last 3 weeks which culminated in last night actually just prove to me that my times have improved immeasurably since I started trying to interact with Jackson instead of just mildly hoping he'd notice my amazing qualities from afar. That is the true story of July (and part of August) 2013.  I discovered that I can flirt in my own way and it's both terrifying and fun like a roller coaster. And, like a roller coaster, it's not going to kill me.

If you'd told me a month ago I'd be on a date with Jackson last night, I wouldn't have believed you. But, if you told me today I could be on another date with Jackson or different man I'm attracted to within the next month, I'd know it's actually possible. So, stay tuned. This ride is about to get really interesting.

Get another piece of pie for your wife...

I have an irrational crush on Mike Ross. What can I say? He's brilliant and he looks good--GOOD--in a suit. See below.

After Twitter stalking the real Patrick J. Adams, however, I'm not sure we'd be friends. That's okay. As my high school economics teacher used to say, "I got enough friends."

Even so, I'm looking forward to this season of Suits mostly because of the suits. See above.

Top 10 Reasons to Love Melissa & Joey

I don't mind reveling in childhood nostalgia. And we all know I indulge in plenty of less-than-Emmy-worthy TV movies.

Mash those two things together and what do you discover? I am a big fan of ABC Family's sitcom Melissa & Joey.

This show actually premiered while I was away on my mission. But thanks to the magic of Hulu, I found it the summer after my return and got hooked after viewing the first set of episodes.

Melissa & Joey stars Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence. They also work as executive producers on the show, and Melissa has even directed a few episodes. These actors have more in common than their decently funny ABC Family Original Movie, My Fake Fiancé. Both Melissa and Joey have played major characters on some cult favorite family sitcoms.

Take Joey, for instance. He started out as Joey Donovan on Gimme a Break! (a sitcom I willingly admit knowing nothing about).

Gotta love the hair. And the family resemblance.

Later he played Mayim Bialik's older, somewhat brainless brother, Joey Russo.

Whoa.

The role I remember him best for is Joe Roman on Brotherly Love. This series also starred Joey's two real-life brothers, Matt and Andy. (Insert swoon here for the Lawrence brother of your choice.)

Andy's haircut looks so familiar...

Based on previous experience, it shouldn't shock you that Joey's character on Melissa & Joey is also named Joe: Joe Longo. Why mess with a good thing?

Melissa has fewer starring roles than Joey, but her series' had somewhat longer lives, so in my book they're about even.

Melissa first appeared in the Nickelodeon series Clarissa Explains It All. This show featured Zack Morris-like asides directed straight at home viewers. It also predates Dawson's Creek as a teen series where a best friend of the opposite sex enters the main character's bedroom through a window.

Double whoa. So many neons.

And who can forget Melissa in Sabrina, the Teenage Witch? I myself was obsessed with Sabrina, the Teenage Witch from second through sixth grade.

My best friend and I collectively swooned over Sabrina's boyfriend, Harvey--though, looking at him now, I'm not sure why. I guess he was just one of our first major forays into the world of celebrity crushes. I'm happy to say my taste has gotten better even if the intensity of my crushes hasn't decreased as I've aged.

With all of that behind them, Melissa and Joey make the perfect "Will they? Won't they?" couple for a formulaic multi-camera sitcom. In a sense, Melissa & Joey brings back the feeling of ABC's old programming block, TGIF. Boy Meets  World, Step By Step, Family Matters, Full House, Hangin' with Mr. Cooper, and Sabrina, the Teenage Witch all featured prominently in the golden age of TGIF. Even though Joey never appeared in a TGIF sitcom, his roles on Blossom and Brotherly Love seem so similar they might as well have been TGIF material.

Plus, Melissa & Joey is essentially Who's the Boss? for the new millennium.

Melissa's the career-minded city councilwoman raising her jailed sister's teenaged kids, and Joe's the masculine nanny who can't find work because of his connections to a financial scandal. Take away the live-in grandma and it's the same show.

In case you aren't already hooked on Melissa & Joey like me, I'm giving you a list of the 10 best episodes so far, a sort of Must-See List for anyone who loves or wants to love this show.


10. Toledo's Next Top Model

It feels strange describing this episode first since it doesn't feature a prominent Mel and Joe story line. But I find myself laughing at small moments in this one, the kind of moments that make Melissa & Joey so enjoyable.

Why It's Good: Joe coaches Ryder on how to get a girlfriend.

Important Events: Ryder's girlfriend, Holly, makes her first appearance.

Guest Star: Vivica A. Fox as a modeling agent who recruits Mel's niece, Lennox.

9. Teacher/Teacher

Guest Star: Andrew Lawrence as Ryder's history teacher

Why It's Good: Andrew Lawrence. He tells jokes, he sings, he wears hipster-ish glasses. I submit that he's never looked this good.

Important Events: Did I mention Andy Lawrence is in the episode?

8. Waiting for Mr. Right

Why It's Good: Not-so-subtle hints about Mel and Joe's similar interests and Joe's willingness to run to her rescue mean this episode keeps you cheering for the romantic tension between the stars.

Important Events: Watch for the vending machine scene. One of my favorites.

Guest star: Christine Lakin of Step by Step makes her first appearance as Mel's old friend

7. Dancing with the Stars of Toledo

Why It's Good: Joey Lawrence and Melissa Joan Hart both did stints on the actual Dancing with the Stars before returning to scripted sitcoms. Enjoy watching what would have happened if they'd been paired as celebrity dance partners.

Important Events: It's not written into the episode, but after I watched this episode I knew I was hooked on the show.

Guest Star: Mark Ballas from the real Dancing with the Stars

6. Joe vs. the Reunion

Why It's Good: Melissa tries to rescue Joe from looking unsuccessful at his college reunion--with not-so-awesome results. Listen for a reference to their first joint venture, My Fake Fiancé. 

Important Events: Mel and Joe's first kiss, albeit a "fake" one

5. All Up in My Business

Why It's Good: Concerned about Mel's secretive behavior, Joe uncovers the truth behind her mysterious credit card charges. And gets her a thoughtful present at the end of the episode.

Important Events: Shirtless Joe (from Hannibal, MO--I couldn't help myself with the Damn Yankees! reference.)

Guest Stars: More of Ryder's girlfriend, Holly. He gets her an unfortunate birthday present. Also, the introduction of Lennox's future boyfriend with a pretentious name: Haskell.

4. Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

Why It's Good: Mel asks Joe to make her boyfriend more manly so she can break up with him without crushing his spirit. But when he starts acting more like Joe, Mel suddenly finds she's more attracted than she thought. My love for this episode actually has less to do with Melissa and Joey and more to do with the hilarious transformation portrayed by the actor playing Mel's boyfriend.

Important Events: Melissa Joan Hart channels her inner Melissa Gilbert by wearing a dress clearly inspired by Little House on the Prairie. Also, Ryder turns the tables on Holly after learning she cheated on him. And a Dancing with the Stars reference!

Guest Star: The guy playing Mel's boyfriend! Seriously, I want him to star in my first made-for-TV Christmas movie.

3. Going the Distance

Why It's Good: Mel faces a crisis when her young entrepreneur boyfriend gets offered a job in Italy.

Important Events: Joe unveils how well he knows Mel when he gives her boyfriend gift-buying advice.

Guest Star: Scott Michael Foster, that guy from Greek with super-ugly hair but a fun personality.

2. The Settlement

Why It's Good: Mel and Joe are more expressive of their attraction to one another when Joe reveals he can leave his post as nanny.

Important Events: Mel and Joe (kind of) agree to go on a date with each other. Mel kisses Joe, but dismisses it as a good-bye.

Listen for: Joey saying "Whoa." To. Die. For.

1. The Other Longo

Why It's Good: Joe's brother comes into town and hits it off with Mel. Jealousy ensues, but Joe hedges his feelings for Mel.

Important Events: This isn't vital to any overarching plot line, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE the moment when Joey and Matt do their "Amazing Longo Brothers routine." TV gold, people.

Guest Stars: Matthew Lawrence! Matthew Lawrence! Matthew Lawrence!

If this doesn't make sense, just know I wrote it during a bout of lonely insomnia. Cheers.

There's a part of my brain that turns on at 12:30 in the morning sometimes. This part of my brain is intimately intertwined with whatever part of my body holds onto my deepest dreams and desires. This part of my brain never chooses a regular time of day to recognize how mirage-like those dreams and desires appear.

This part of my brain is a night owl. It likes to stay up late and have its say, and there aren't many voices that can quiet it.

This part of my brain is the meanest part of me, the voice of Simon Cowell, conjuring up its darkest English wit to demean and belittle when I am most vulnerable. In other words, when I am tired. When I have spent the day valiantly fighting off thought-demons of self-deprecation and faithlessness. When I have laughed multiple times in the face of a doom-and-gloom hopeless future and said, "No! I am awesome, and I don't need a boyfriend or a completed checklist of life accomplishments or a degree from a prestigious university (which I might technically have anyway) to confirm that awesomeness."

At 12:30 in the morning, this part of my brain mimics Heidi Klum's ice queen voice and whispers, only whispers, "As you know in Awesome, one day you're in and the next you're out," putting oh-so-slight emphasis on those last two words.

But it's now 2 o'clock. And I think that part of my brain is getting drowsy again. So I'll kindly put him to sleep. And I'll remind him that life isn't scripted like a Hallmark Channel movie, so it's not predictable. Which makes it unsettling, yes. And scary, you bet. But also full of possibility, instead of forced to fit a pattern.

Good night, dear brain, dear voice, dear void. I feel you'll be my companion throughout life. But I'm going to fill you with so many fulfilled dreams and lived desires that even Bravo won't consider you worthy of a reality show. I certainly don't find you entertaining.

This Is Just to Say...

This post is just to say that I have obviously fallen behind on my made-for-TV Christmas movie watching, and I may not catch up this year, but tune in next year for whatever posts don't make it onto the blog this year.

This post is also just to say that blogging is very cathartic for me. I get to have conversations with Past Whitty that remind Present Whitty that Future Whitty still has a pretty bright future. Past Whitty is really good with that because she's had a few epiphanies that Present Whitty sometimes forgets but that she needs to remember to keep being awesome and become Future Whitty. Past Whitty is, well, witty. And reading what Past Whitty wrote makes Present Whitty content and confident and peaceful, even when she doesn't have everything she's ever wanted--Past Whitty reminds Present Whitty that she already has the ability to become her very best version of Future Whitty.

This paragraph is just to apologize for the last paragraph and all of the referring to myself in the third person.

And this last part is just to say "Merry Christmas" to any bloggers out there who like the poems of William Carlos Williams or the British accents of actors who've portrayed Mr. Darcy or both. Because one of those actors will now read William Carlos Williams's poem, "This Is Just to Say." Enjoy.

Christmas on TV: Christmas Writers and Editors

Another recurring element on many made-for-TV Christmas movies comes in the form of a certain job held by their protagonists: writer. I would guess this occurs because so many writers of these made-for-TV movies like to "write what they know." A writing career also serves as a good vehicle to take a cynical urban professional and transfer him or her to a small town where he or she can rediscover the meaning of Christmas--and find love with a cute police officer/small business owner/single father/widowed lawyer/bachelor doctor. And because I am a writer, these movies tend to be some of my favorites because I love to escape into that fantasy one way or another.

Farewell, Mr. Kringle
Christine Taylor--wife of Ben Stiller and Marcia Brady from the Brady Bunch movies--works as a magazine writer sent to Mistletoe, California, to interview a man who's been the town Santa Claus for 50 years. Both she and he have a bit of tragedy in their past, but nothing that can't be overcome in two hours. I enjoyed Christine Taylor in this movie--her character has a believable personality, her reactions to setbacks are generally not overly dramatic, and the writings her character produces remind me of pieces I'd like to read on the internet. The love story isn't the greatest, and her wedding veil at the end is not beautiful enough for her, but the Santa Claus is top tier.

Christmas Child

I was incredibly skeptical going into this one because it is based on a Max Lucado story, and I've been exposed to You Are Special enough times to know that Max Lucado can be synonymous with sentimental allegory. But, it also has Megan Follows, Anne of Green Gables herself, so I gave it a whirl. Her husband writes for a newspaper in Chicago and gets sent to Texas on assignment during the holidays, which only increases the resentment and disconnection both feel in their marriage. I didn't watch enough of this one in real time to figure out what the husband needed to write about in Texas, but whatever it was, it made him appreciate his wife more when they reunited at the airport.

His and Her Christmas

David Sutcliffe (Christopher from Gilmore Girls) and Dina Meyer work as newspaper columnists at competing newspapers in the San Francisco Bay area. While he's at the peak of his career, about to begin a nationally syndicated news show, her newspaper is about to go under. As a last ditch effort to save her paper, she launches a column discussing the holiday season, and he fights back with a column of his own. This movie reminds me of You've Got Mail in the sense that it features two people working in the same career who think they are complete opposites but are actually perfect for each other. The trouble with this movie is that the main couple doesn't start interacting face to face until about halfway through the movie, which is a shame because they do their best work when they're playing off each other. It's worth a watch, particularly for David Sutcliffe's performance and Dina Meyer's curly hair.

Christmas on TV: A Star for Christmas

Some of the season's lesser-known TV Christmas movies air on Ion. And not only are these movies lesser known, they are also generally of lesser quality. This is the channel that brought you A Golden Christmas and its two sequels.

So, with those low expectations, I found myself laughing with/at A Star for Christmas. The basic premise is that a big time movie star is filming his latest movie, a Christmas action film, in the hometown of a cupcake baker who apparently lives under a rock--she doesn't own a TV, and she must never go to the movies because she doesn't recognize him when he walks into her bakery.

One of the earliest scenes in the movie embraces its kitschy-ness and the general kitsch that accompanies all made-for-TV Christmas movies. The movie star purchases a cupcake from the baker, and time slows down as he takes the first bite. Music borrowed from a love scene on The Bachelor plays in the background, computer-generated stars sparkle on the screen, and the baker's awe at her customer's movie star good looks comes across through her exaggerated breathing. The filmmakers went too far in this scene, but they knew they were going too far, and that's why it worked.

Unfortunately, the rest of the movie doesn't have the same kitschy watchability as the cupcake-eating scene. Despite being presented with the possibility of dating a rich and handsome movie star, the baker never takes her hair out of a ponytail. I guess it's good that she doesn't try to change for him, but I wish she were less of a tomboy.

Other signs that this movie had an extremely limited budget include the embarrassing misspelling of the rival love interest's name ("Sklar" instead of "Skyler"), the fact that the rival love interest looks like she's the age of Demi Moore (which would work if they were going for A Cougar Christmas), and the fact that half of the sets are movie sets and trailers--and therefore capable of serving two purposes, one on screen and one off. Plus, I know from all the Christmas movies I've watched that no one films Christmas movies in December as this movie purports to do. Nor does anyone make Christmas actions movies. Nor should they.

That said, the leading man sure looks good, if you can overlook the fact that he looks like a young George Michael in the "Last Christmas" video. He buys one of the greatest gifts ever given during TV Christmas, an acceptable explanation for the amount of kissing in this movie. Seriously, I've never seen so much kissing between the main couple in a made-for-TV Christmas movie. Just one more reason to watch A Star for Christmas, even though the ending stinks and the entire movie is deeply flawed.

If you want the short version, then please enjoy the following:

Christmas on TV: The 12 Men of Christmas

In one of my favorite Doris Day movies, The Thrill of It All, Doris is married to obstetrician James Garner but suddenly finds herself as the spokeswoman for "Happy Soap." In her new role, she does a live commercial during a Playhouse-style variety show where the same actors act out different scenes and characters each week. After watching for two or three weeks, her children at home say to their housekeeper, "They did that story last week." This youngster's observations are correct. Each week the woman gets mad and throws her drink in Carl Reiner's face and he yells basically the same line back at her every time. Even Doris eventually notices the similarities in each week's show and comments on it to one of the show's executives. His response? "The audience isn't smart enough to recognize the similarities." But as the children already demonstrated, the audience totally knows.

I got that feeling myself while watching The 12 Men of Christmas. At first I was praising its original premise: a PR executive moves to Montana and launches a campaign to raise money by shooting a calendar of the town's firefighters. Sounds a little sketchy but totally Lifetime.


But about a third of the way through the movie, I realized that the sexy fireman calendar and the Christmas setting are staying afloat in a thinly veiled Pride and Prejudice remake. Kristin Chenoweth's E.J. Baxter (bearing roughly the same initials as Elizabeth Bennett) meets Will Albrecht (an offshoot of Fitzwilliam Darcy) while he's skinny-dipping in his own swimming pool, much like when Elizabeth encounters Mr. Darcy coming out of the water at Pemberley. So naturally she thinks he's too proud or prejudiced, and he thinks the same thing of her. She starts dating a firefighter with ugly California surfer boy hair who confesses his shady past dealings with Will to her. Will later awkwardly confesses to E.J. that he's attracted to her; she rejects him. She stops dating the Mr. Wickham character for no apparent reason, realizes she's attracted to Will, overcomes a few more obstacles to be with him, and they all live happily ever after.

I don't hate this movie; I just wish it weren't so dependent upon the Pride and Prejudice allusions because I think it would have been a fine movie without them. Or it at least should have a title that acknowledges the allusion like Christmas and Prejudice or Pride and Presents. Kristin Chenoweth demonstrates all her quirky charm that won her a Tony (aside from actually singing anything), and the some of the men in the calendar are very worthy of eye candy status. Also watch for Anna Chlumsky of My Girl and My Girl 2 and the beautiful scenery of shooting on location in Montana.