I want to love myself. But for the last six months I just haven't. I've eaten so much food that's bad for me and watched so many mind-numbing hours of TV and movies and read blog posts about how getting healthy will make me feel better and how accepting who I am now will make me feel better and how giving myself up to God's will will make me feel better.
And I don't feel better.
I felt like I did for a few weeks, after I finished reading Sister Oaks's book A Single Life. But it's soothing effects didn't last very long. I woke up from the stupor of peace it put me only to wake up still addicted to food, addicted to believing I'm worthless without a significant other, addicted to wanting to succeed and feeling like a failure in every way.
I know I should go to a doctor and ask for help, but I'm afraid to do that. Last time I sought help from a medical doctor for depression, he refused to give me medication for it because I wasn't depressed enough. Which only served to reinforce my feelings of inadequacy.
I've been to therapists before, and several of them were helpful to me, but I don't think I'll believe any of it has worked until someone looks at me and loves me.
But no man ever does. And it just suffocates me, my desire to have that, to feel fulfilled and wanted by someone in a romantic way. And when I can't have it, I just shove my face full of feeling-suppressing sugar and watch movies that will make me laugh and think and forget, if only for a few minutes.
My dreams have turned into bitter nightmares, and I don't even have the will to pursue them anymore. I just wish I could escape all of it, turn off my mind and be gone. I know I'm not supposed to feel that way, but I do.
Enough is enough. This is enough.
Whitney,
ReplyDeleteI wish that you could see yourself through the eyes of those who know and love you. To me you have always been a shining example. So sure of yourself, so smart, so witty, so kind, so spiritual, so beautiful, so compassionate, so insightful, and really just way too cool to be my friend, and yet you have always been one of my very best friends. All I can really say to you is that I am so sorry that you are feeling this way and going through all of this. I'm going to drive down to Provo this week and give you a hug! The truth is, I myself have been suffering so badly from depression that I really relate to your feelings even though our situations are different. It's frustrating to be constantly reminded that there is complete joy in the gospel and then to live it and feel so isolated and so sad. A quote that has really kept me going is from Elizabeth Gilbert - “Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it and look for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestation of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward in that happiness to stay afloat on top of it.” Life has taught me that happiness is really really hard work. So don't give up, even in your frustration. I will be praying for you friend. Your worth is infinite! I love you lots!
So much of this resonates with me. I have felt every piece of this and still struggle daily with it. Self-love is the hardest thing. It is the longest, steepest, loneliest path to climb. The worst part is that it never ends. Oh, how I wish we were neighbors and could walk this together. I just simply love you. You are the brightest, kindest and most witty person I know. I look up to you so much and admire you for working so hard even when the path is sometimes dreary. You are a rock star!
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