Christmas on TV: Speed-Watchers

My family's DVR has been filling up pretty quickly with me recording so many made-for-TV Christmas movies, so sometimes I have to choose which ones aren't worth spending two hours on (minus fast forwarding through commercials). Here are a few I recently watched on fast forward.

All She Wants for Christmas

Before the first commercial break, the main character trips over an inflatable snowman on the town square, it goes flying through the air with exceedingly bad CGI as she chases it all over town, and it lands on the car of her eventual love interest. The moment the snowman took off, I knew this was a Speed-Watcher. I watched enough to figure out that all the main character wants for Christmas is a tricked out stock portfolio, prestigious and high-paying job at the local toy company--and love. So of course she falls for the new-in-town blue collar toy factory worker who turns out to be a relative of the rich (translation: evil) family that is looking into shutting down the toy factory. When I watched the final scene and the main character is confessing how much finding love has changed her heart blah blah blah, I couldn't help my self from putting some words in her mouth: "I decided I don't need to make money on my own. I can marry into it just as easily." If you do catch it on TV, make sure you watch for a few seconds at least, though, since the main character is played by the actress who played Mary in While You Were Sleeping, only with blonde hair.

Deck the Halls (2005)

I'm embarrassed to say I watched nearly all of this one, especially since I was tempted to stop watching pretty soon into it. I think I kept watching because of Gabrielle Carteris from Beverley Hills, 90210. She wasn't actually a good enough reason to keep watching, but this one did have an ending that was easy to see coming in the middle of the movie but not what you would have guessed from reading the synopsis. There was even a part I watched twice: the horrible special effects that transformed her young bachelor neighbor into Kris Kringle himself. In sum, there were elves, there was a dog, the main character's name was Holly, and I've seen it all before. Also, there are several movies with this title, so be sure you're avoiding the right one.

Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus

On this movie, I fast-forwarded to all the parts where Steve Guttenberg is doing his awful Santa laughter. I do that every year just to remind myself how awful it is. Still bad.

A Different Kind of Christmas

Shelley Long's dad thinks he's Santa Claus. He has even memorized private information about the children in his neighborhood. Creeeepy! And that's pretty much where I stopped watching. Barry Bostwick also plays a major role, but nothing made me want to take the DVR out of fast forward mode, so I couldn't tell you how or why he and Shelley Long fell in love. There's a big Christmas tree on the town square at the end. The spirit of giving. Blah blah blah.

Christmas on TV: Casting Isn't Everything

Several of the movies I've watched this season have plenty of actors you've actually heard of and seen before. But that hasn't made those movies amazing. Each of them is worth watching once, if nothing better is available. But their all-star casts prove that when it comes to holiday movies, writing is worth more than a big name.

November Christmas

The synopsis of this one did not sound like my kind of Christmas movie--a town bands together to bring a early Christmas to a terminally ill girl. Call me heartless, but I'm not a fan of movies about dying children because they are usually super sentimental. But the cast of this one made me take a chance: John Corbett, Karen Allen, Sarah Paulson, and Sam Elliott (who I honestly don't really know, but he's billed first and according to imdb.com, he's been in a lot of westerns). I'd give it a four on the Sentimental Scale (with five or over being unwatchable to me) and an 8 on the Predictability Scale. But this movie was a good attempt at making a Christmas movie that really isn't about Christmas at all.

A Season for Miracles

This offering from the Hallmark Hall of Fame also features a surprisingly strong cast, at least on the feminine side. Carla Gugino from Night at the Smithsonian, Kathy Baker, Patty Duke, Laura Dern, and Mae Whitman in her pre-teen stage--even Lynn Redgrave. But ultimately the plot failed to capture my attention. The most captivating character was the love interest/town police officer. Overall, meh.

One Christmas (available on Netflix)

Although this movie is based on a Truman Capote story, even Katherine Hepburn (way past her On Golden Pond age) and Henry Winkler can't make it interesting. This Paper Moon knock-off falls in the category I call, "Netflix Movies that Make Great Background Noise." Just say no.

Christmas on TV: Holiday Spin

Lifetime's second Christmas movie this year is best described as a combination of every dance movie you've ever seen plus The Karate Kid.

But because I know you're more curious than that, let me break it down a little bit further.

How Holiday Spin is like The Karate Kid: It stars Ralph Macchio, the original Karate Kid and Dancing with the Stars alumni.

Also, Macchio's estranged son in the movie is training to be an MMA fighter. MMA is basically the new karate, and during the fighting sequences I found myself wishing the background music were "You're the Best" or even "Cruel Summer."

How Holiday Spin is like Step Up: A girl whose life centers entirely on dance falls for a bad boy who just happens to be great at dancing. 

How Holiday Spin is like Grease: At a holiday party, the good girl and boy get into a dance off with her ex-boyfriend (who looks like a creepy adult version of Bug Hall with diamond-studded earrings like Justin Timberlake's circa 1999) and his ethnic girlfriend. It might as well be Sandy and Danny versus Kinickie and Cha-Cha.

How Holiday Spin is like Dirty Dancing: The MMA fighter loves to dance in black pants and a black tank top. Patrick Swayze called. He wants his wardrobe back.

Even though Holiday Spin looks a feels like a dance movie mash-up, the holiday "spin" it puts on the genre makes up for it. The movie takes place in Miami (but sadly doesn't feature any cameo appearances by the cast of Dance Moms: Miami) so there are more palm trees than pine trees, but the final dance competition features holiday-themed ballroom dance costumes that are spot on. (The best dance in the show is by far Bug Hall/Kinickie's Christmas Quick Step. He should have won. He was robbed.)

Bottom-line: Either my mom or I predicted every major plot point, but we had a lot of fun guessing them along the way. And making references to The Karate Kid/Step Up/Grease/Dirty Dancing. Make some time for this one. Bonus points if you find a good place for a "Sweep the leg!" reference or a "Wax on, wax off."

Christmas on TV: The Wishing Tree

Hallmark Channel Christmas Movie 2012 #3

Let's treat this one like a scorecard. It gains points for being innovative, interesting, or otherwise intriguing. It loses points for making me question elements of its production. Overall score determines whether it's Worth Watching or Worth Skipping.

Round one: What kind of English teacher reads classic novels over his winter break? Use that time to do something other than read. Minus 5.

Round two: Did the Hallmark Channel get a group rate on prep school uniforms this year? I'm guessing yes. See also Christmas Song. Minus 3.

Round three: What kind of English teacher dresses like a Victorian peasant, complete with soot on the face, to introduce the reading of A Christmas Carol? The great kind. Plus 10.

Round four: What kind of English class reads A Christmas Carol in high school? Minus 2.

Round five: Apparently, "The Wishing Tree" refers to a holiday tradition in the town where people can leave Christmas wishes at the tree. Very Letters to Juliet. Very Maeve Binchy's Whitethorn Woods, where the Irish town has an allegedly blessed well with the power to bring dreams to life. Plus 10.

Round six: Reference to Isadora Duncan. Plus 2.

Round six and a half: Wearing Burger King crowns at a holiday party. Minus 2.

Round seven: Who is this woman the English teacher is making out with all of the sudden? Most likely, his dead wife. Too Charlie St. Cloud. Also, dream sequences are for 80s sitcoms and dance sequences in Rogers and Hammerstein films. Minus 15.

Round eight: I realize that the privileged but overlooked kid has hair like Young Snape. I think you can tell which one's him. Minus 7.

Round nine: The female prep student is named Juliet. Minus 4.

Round ten: Predictable reference to The Three Musketeers--"All for one, and one for all." Minus 3.

And that's the first thirty minutes, after which I stopped paying close attention. But I did assign a few more points for moments that caught my attention in some way.

Round eleven: A random character blames the lack of Christmas treats on "the economy." Minus 5.

Round twelve: One character has an evil villain mother who dresses entirely in pink fur and pink sunglasses. Minus 12.

Round thirteen: I realize that this movie is a knock-off of Dead Poet's Society because the Evil Pink Mom says English teacher is encouraging her son to "think for himself." Plus 12.

Round fourteen: Juliet rocks a version of "Someday" from West Side Story in a dress that likely belonged to June Cleaver. Suddenly her name being Juliet makes sense. Plus 15.

Round fourteen and a half: Potential love triangle revealed during "Someday." Plus 5.

Round fifteen: Evil Pink Mom says, "I'm not spending Christmas at Hogwarts." Plus 7. 

Round sixteen: Snape and Juliet nearly share their first kiss in a chapel. Minus 2.

Round seventeen: Suddenly, English teacher is saving Snape from an abandoned building. A little too Outsiders without the bonus of the Brat Pack members. Minus 8.

Overall Score: Negative 7. So, not a great one. In fairness, the minuses do come from fairly nitpick-y critiques, and it avoided overwhelming predictability...but it also left me not feeling very connected to any of the characters--and I'd say that's the number one thing that makes one of this hokey holiday movies triumph: characters you can cheer for.

Christmas on TV: The Christmas Consultant

Lifetime is probably third on my list of go-to channels for made-for-TV Christmas movies, behind Hallmark and ABC Family. Some of Lifetime's Christmas flicks are highly watchable; some are shames to the genre of made-for-TV Christmas. They are pretty hit or miss.

Lifetime's first offering this season, The Christmas Consultant starring Caroline Rhea and David Hasselhoff, is a miss. Big time.

I can think of only one reason to watch this movie: a chance to see David Hasselhoff in the quirky wardrobe of a man who gets paid to plan other people's Christmases. Bright green jeans. Ugly Christmas sweaters. Plaid bow ties. Hipster glasses with red brims.

So instead of wasting words on this waste of a movie, I'll share some pictures with you and save you the trouble of watching for yourself.

You're welcome.