Christmas on TV: Speed-Watchers, Part 2

The Heart of Christmas (also available on Netflix)
I would categorize this movie as A Christmas Movie That Isn't about Christmas. Because it's actually a movie about a kid with cancer. I won't say it's the most sentimental kid-dying-of-cancer movie I've ever seen, and it is definitely family friendly. It's just not my cup of tea as far as Christmas on TV.

There's a frame story about Candace Cameron Bure and her husband, played by Burgess Jenkins, the racist player from Remember the Titans and a man who always looks to me like he's a contestant on The Bachelorette. She spends the entire movie reading the blog of dying child's mother, which is how the audience also learns about the true heart of the movie. Also watch out for George Newbern, the son-in-law from Father of the Bride, who plays one of the doctors. I don't have much else to say about this one, mostly because I hate to say anything against it since it is based on a real family's story. Usually, I'm adamant about dying kids being a ploy to make the audience cry, but I hope it never comes across that I don't realize that some families actually do have children who die. 

A Christmas Proposal

The written synopsis of this one on TiVo gave me great expectations: "Two opposing lawyers--one-time sweethearts--battle over the development of a ski resort." If romantic Christmas movies have one purpose, it's to reunite former lovers who are now feuding, or at least unite enemies who are destined to be spouses. The male lawyer brings his privileged new girlfriend to his hometown where his down-to-earth former girlfriend (played by Charles in Charge and Baywatch alum Nicole Eggert) still lives. Tom Arnold makes an appearance as the stuck-up girlfriend's father, in case you haven't seen enough of him this season (and there's more to come!). A hour and 20 minutes in, I got my first visible clue that our feuding lawyers were actually falling back in love. And 20 minutes later, his soon-to-be-ex girlfriend gives him the worst movie slap ever. Take this one or leave it; your choice. Final piece of advice: do not propose with a high school class ring.

Christmas Every Day

I had exactly one reason for DVR'ing this movie: Erik von Detten. While EVD was never as popular as JTT, he did have quite the career as a '90s child star, providing the voice of Sid in Toy Story and starring in one of the greatest Disney Channel Original Movies, Brink! But EVD, like many child stars, also has plenty of projects on his early resume that would be better left inside some movie vault. Christmas Every Day is certainly one of those projects. A knockoff of the Bill Murray classic Groundhog Day, this movie instead allows an ungrateful teenage boy to relive Christmas four to seven times (I could have counted, but I really didn't care) until he realizes its true meaning. Aside from the ingrained flaws in that premise, this movie also features a town where somehow every store and restaurant is open on Christmas Day because EVD has time to rent a video and go on a date at the local hangout. If you're looking for a Christmas re-imagining of Groundhog Day, try ABC Family's 12 Dates of Christmas: at least Mark-Paul Gosselaar has outgrown his '90s child star look and become a man in it.

A Very Brady Christmas

This movie special from 1988 attempts (and sort of achieves) the impossible: fitting nine plot lines into a two hour movie. Yes, that's right, every member of the Brady clan gets his or her own story for this movie. Some I cared about more than others, so I found myself fast-forwarding through the "lesser" Bradys. But I'll summarize for you.

Mike: He must deal with an disagreeable client who doesn't like the structural changes to the architectural design.

Carol: She has no idea that Mike is planning to buy her a trip to Japan for Christmas, so naturally she's planning on using the same funds to buy him a cruise around Greece.

Greg: He and his wife argue about which set of in-laws should be blessed with their presence for Christmas.

Marcia: Her husband lost his job at a toy factory, acts like a child, and refuses to let any of the other Bradys know about their situation. Also, Marcia owns a strange precursor to a flip phone that has a cord attached to it and what looks like a panda face on it.

Peter: He's in love with a woman at his office who's also his boss and wonders if he can marry her even though she makes more money. While discussing this dilemma with Bobby, I was forced to ask myself if I ever thought of Peter as the kind of kid who would grow up to wear striped nightgowns. The answer was no.

Jan: She and her husband, Phillip, are having marital problems but keeping them secret from the family.

Bobby: He's dropped out of college and wants to become a race car driver.

Cindy: She wanted to go skiing with her girlfriends for Christmas instead of coming home. And since she's not the original Cindy, I wondered why they didn't just let her. I'm sure Cousin Oliver would have been available.

Alice: Sam the butcher cheated on her with a younger woman, so she's moved back in with Mike and Carol and volunteered to be their slave. Not really, but kind of, since she starts wearing her uniform again like she's a servant rather than a friend.

One final observation: A Very Brady Christmas aired on the last day of ABC Family's Countdown to the 25 Days of Christmas, indicating that it cannot on its own merits earn a spot in the actual 25 Days of Christmas. Which is sadly accurate.